Between the Canals and a Hard Place

Okay, I want to tell you a story about a film I saw just there, this film is probably, without a doubt, one of the worst piece of cinema I have ever seen in my life and that is saying a lot. This movie was so incredibly awful that I actually don't know where to start. I don't know where to go with this blog.



The film in question is Between the Canals. Now, let me give you a brief run down of the story. In the first fifteen minutes of screen time, yes, fifteen minutes of screen time, we are introduced to three of our main characters, Dots, Liam and Scratchcard . . . . Yes, Scratchcard is one of our leading characters. In this first fifteen minutes what do they do? What do they do, you ask me. They buy three cans, not each, but between them. Thats about it

Liam is supposed to be the protagonist, the guy you believe might have a shred of decency in him but we are only given this impression because the other two are such filthy scumbags. We then move onto the character of Dots, who is Liam's best mate, he is missing teeth, wears a Paddy cap, wears bling bling gold jewellery and is a reprehensible little cunt with not one redeeming quality. From the moment you meet this character, you are counting the minutes to his demise; in fact, I have never wanted a character in a film to get it so badly, it was the only reason I stayed watching. And onto the Scratchcard character, this guy is like a middle ground between the other two; he is the real fuckin idiot of the three, just a moron, pure and simple. The guy who they take the piss out of. I'm telling you right now, if I was known as the thick one in this threesome, I would be ending it all pretty shortly.

Just to give you a timeline, the film starts on the morning of Paddy's Day and ends pretty much the same time on the following day, so the film is over the course of 24 hours and I cannot tell you the amount of nothingness that happens within that time.

Now, the first fifteen minutes pass, the lads have bought cans, Dots has sold a robbed phone to a bunch kids for a fiver and he has also tazered a junkie with a cattle prod. This is where we are at and I am thinking at this stage, where the fuck is this thing going because the charisma of these actors is not exactly enough to hook me at this stage. In fact, I've never seen acting quite like it. These guys were acting like the director strolled into the nearest block of flats in town with film crew and hand picked three of the first scumbags he could find, showed them the script and asked them to do it with no rehearsal what so ever. I know Ken Loach does this the whole time but, sadly, this is not a Ken Loach movie.

Enter a little plot line, Liam, our leading man, spots this bird with a pram and runs over to her. She is the love interest. He is the kid’s father and obviously hasn't been paying them any attention to them since the kid has been born. We also find out in this conversation that Liam has come from his Uncles funeral the day previous to this scene; his uncle was a criminal and was murdered. He tells the girl to fuck off and off he goes with the lads on the piss with their three cans of Hackenberg.

Now we are about twenty minutes in and the lads arrive at this pool hall, the guy behind the counter is old and asleep, they see if they can rob him but there is nothing to rob. Dots goes in and plays a computer roulette machine and wins €80 on his first go, the guy wakes up and tells them to get out because Dots is barred for selling drugs in there the last day and he rips up Dots' winning ticket. They kick the shit out of him, then enter two known gangsters and they get into a fight with the lads, as the gangsters know the poor owner of this pool hall and want to help him. They get the better of these two gangsters and they leggit. The gangsters then head back to their superiors and the lads are now wanted lads in Dublin on Paddys Day. Oh no, boo hoo, I don't care what happens to these idiots at this point, they deserve anything they get at this stage. Now that is the height of the narrative for the whole movie.

I would like to add that it is Paddys Day and you see very little evidence that it is Paddys Day, on occasion you might see two drunk trannys with paraphernalia from Carroll's Gift Shop on walking by and I think we have a scene in a pub with two Americans but that is about it except for the fact that the words 'Paddy's Day' is in every second line of dialogue.

I'm not going to go any further with the story because number 1, I'm not the type to be ruining films, if that’s what you want to call this piece of shit and number 2, I'm just getting bored even remembering it at this stage. From there, we have a bunch of just random stuff happening for the rest of the movie, one of them gets a gun, one of them is offered a job by a gangster, one of them gets a hiding that was quite soft, if you ask me, not exactly the hiding he deserved, and then some where near the end they are delivering a load of coke to this Nigerian bisexual who is snorting the Charlie off the end of a machete. The whole thing is so morto, it's actually hilarious. In fact, it's like a spoof movie, a parody of Irish movies.



The bottom line is this film was financed by the Irish Film Board, was accepted into the Jameson Irish Film Festival and now, has a cinema release. I just don't know what to say, I really don't . . . . . I really don't. Who is running things here? I really do scratch my head when it comes to this shit. I am shocked and appalled. If anyone goes to this film and likes it, which plenty of people have, I just read a glowing review from the Irish Times just there, you people need to have a lobotomy, that is if you haven't had one already. You need to stop this ridicules sentimentality for the Irish Film Industry, we are better than this; we are so much better then this.