Saturday, July 2, 2011

The Search for the Evilest Men in Hollywood - 2

Day 2 on my search for the most evil motherfuckers in Hollywood, lets go! My sickness, I can feel its starting to lift, I can breathe through my nose, I don’t feel like I have lung cancer anymore but the aces, pain and weakness have yet to shift. I think I caught this one before it got epically nasty, thank Christ. I have found a new thing to get me through a flu, the worst thing for me is always that I can never sleep, I just cant, because the cough is too harsh, I lie down a cough like a mad thing – I have a new secret – Benolyn Night Nurse, the drowsy shit – Fuck me, does that shit work. Two table spoonfuls of that stuff and, I swear to God, you are feeling drowsy by the time your ass is back on the couch, about to watch your tenth episode of the West Wing, it has saved me. Anyway, less talk about how shitty I’m feeling and more talk of nasty bastards and how they have made characters in movies feel shitty on numerous occasions. My first of the day is, villain extraordinaire, David Patrick Kelly,



Kelly’s film debut appearance kicked off his career as an evil little cunt with flying colours; he plays the little psycho leader of the Rogues, Luther in the ultimate cult classic The Warriors. He, of course, is the catalyst that kicks off the hunt for the Warriors. Supposedly on the set, in that famous last scene, the Rogue car pulls up in front of The Warriors and Kelly, who is in the car, was supposed to just hit the horn a few times, but instead he improvised this – legend



Kelly’s next movie, he was reunited with the director of The Warriors in the Eddie Murphy / Nick Nolte movie, 48 Hours, where surprisingly enough he plays a horrible little weasel, yeah, I think that is a perfect way to describe every character this guy plays. Coincidentally, his character again was named Luther.
Next film, Kelly would play the character that I would be most familiar with, in the 80s action classic, Commando, what a fucking film. I remember recording Commando on video when it was being shown on UTV, I was twelve years old. I knew my parents were never going to let me watch it, so I got up at about 7 o clock on a Saturday morning and got stuck into this absolute shoot’em up, it was one of the greatest moments of my life up to that point. This is the one character he played, the one baddie that always stuck out for me, Sully. Picture this - Airport scene, Arnie plays the character of Matrix, he has to go to some South American Country, a country that does not have a name, who cares about that, that never matters, the important bit is, Arnie has kill the president of that country or the terrorist group that Sully is apart of are going to send Arnie’s kid ‘back to him in pieces’

Sully -
“You have a nice trip, oh and here (Sully gives Arnie ten dollars), Have some beers in Val Verde, It'll give everyone more time with your daughter.”

Matrix
You’re a funny guy, Sully, I like you. That’s why I’m going to kill you last

Sully
Take care now

About fifteen minutes later in the movie this is what becomes of Sully, without a doubt one of Arnie’s most memorable scenes.



Next up for Kelly, two very sinister parts altogether, the first being that horrible Dropshadow in that weird David Lynch film, Wild at Heart. I don’t know what it is with me but David Lynch film always freak me the fuck out and this one was no different.

Then onto Spike Lee’s epic, Malcolm X, he is savage as a young Malcolm’s 4th grade teacher, it’s just one small scene but very effective, he shows that sort of passive racism that was obviously embedded in people’s minds in America pre-civil rights movement.



Then Kelly joins one of our already excepted Evil Hollywood Alumni in The Crow, he plays one of Michael Winncot’s henchmen. Kelly’s character, T-Bird is one of the 4 guys that rapes and murders Brandon Lee’s bird, then kills Brandon himself. Then, of course, Brandon rises from the dead as The Crow and kicks at least fifty five colours of shit out Kelly and his 3 mates. So what does our boy Brandon do when he’s done with the lads, he heads up on the roof of some building and whales it on a Flying V guitar in the pissing rain. Legend! Brandon Lee subsequently died on set, he was shot with a real gun in scene. How rock n roll can you get – RIP Brandon.



Jesus, when I looked this guy, David Patrick Kelly up, fuck me, he has a shit load baddies to his name. I think we have a contender for class president here, folks. Does anyone remember the Bruce Willis movie a few years ago, Last Man Standing? Guess who is there with his nasty little face getting right up in Bruce’s grill; you know it, David Patrick Kelly playing the head of the Irish gang. Savage movie, that got no attention. Check it out if you never seen it.



More recently, showing plenty of age, Kelly was in the remake of The Longest Yard with Adam Sandler. The original was with Burt Reynolds back in 70s, okay movie, didn’t warrant any attention and certainly not a remake. Then they remade it starring Vinnie Jones in that awful piece of shit, Mean Machine, The Longest Yard - The Cockney Version. Then they decided one remake was not enough, they get Adam Sandler, Chris Rock, Nelly, James Cromwell from Babe, even Bert Reynolds himself and, of course, our friend, David Patrick Kelly as an evil psycho, who would of thought. Absolute Legend.



Someone has submitted a possible contender, Andy Sweeney of Scoop Foundation Fame has been the first person to offer up his services and enter up a potential baddie into the book of evil bastards of Hollywood history. But, even though I applaud Andy’s enthusiasm, I don’t believe James Hong to be as bad as people make him out to be. Do we not recall in The Golden Child, he is one of Eddie Murphy’s mates; he introduces him to that snake lady in Chinatown. Then, we have Fred Savage buying that magic statue off him in Visa Versa, the statue that turns him into his dad and his dad into him. I also cast my mind back to Wayne’s World 2 where he plays Tia Carrara’s Da who isn’t quite as cuntish as you need him to be to enter into this list.
But, Andy, you have inspired our next entry, call me racist on this one but have you ever heard of Al Leong, this dude is the evilest oriental motherfucka this side of the Pacific.



Leong started off his career as a stunt man so naturally he was constantly cast as the dudes who end up getting his asses kicked which, as we know, majority of the time is the bad guy. So for the first half of his career, he is credited as Yakuza Thug, Triad Henchman, even Asian Looking Gang Leader. Then came along Big Trouble in Little China, Leong is the axe wielding Hatchet Man causing Kurt Russell a whole lot of trouble. Speaking of which, I really need to see that movie again, it’s been about fifteen years



In Leong’s next project, he turns up for one scene in Lethal Weapon. Gary Busey (who you might think would be worthy of this list but no, Point Break rules him out), has Mel hanging from both wrists from a chain and water is pouring all over him. Enter the character of Endo, in for some electronic torture. Sadly, Mel gets the best of poor oul’Endo, but by Jaysus, I’d say Riggs was fierce wrecked after it. check it out



So by 1987, Leong has been killed by Mel Gibson and Kurt Russell, what next? Do you really want to know? Well, let’s try Bruce Willis. Yes, this has to be Leong’s most infamous role; he is one of the terrorists in Die Hard. One of the things I’ve always thought strange about that movie, the serious ethnic diversity within that group of terrorists. Where did all they meet up? Where did Hans pick up this gang of misfits? First off, you have Hans who is obviously German and I think there are a few other Germans here and there. There is the two Swedish brothers, they are obviously Swedes, hello, blonde. You have the nerdy black fella on the computers trying to open the safe, there is that standard white American dude at the front desk who sound like he’s from some hick village in north Alabama, I’m pretty positive there is a long hair Mexican bloke somewhere and to round it all off we have Al Leong, the most random of them all, from fuckin Indo, China. What the fuck is he hanging around with Hans and the lads for? But, you know what, Leong has one of the funniest bits in the whole movie – there he is, machine gun in hand, readily poised in the lobby, if anyone comes near the windows, Leong is gonna put a cap in his ass. He looks down and sees a load chocolate bars in the case below him, and he cant fucking resist, he has to take one.



The funny thing at this stage, Leong has not spoken a word in any of these movies but yet, even with out words, he still maintains that evil viciousness needed to get onto this list. After Die Hard, he would go on to get his ass kicked by Van Damme in Death Warrant, Eddie Murphy lights him up in Beverly Hills Cop 3 when he get nicked in a chop shop. He gets reunited with Kurt Russell’s boot in Escape from LA and his latest movie, I’ve never heard of it, it’s called Sledge and his characters name is Evil Doctor, that says it all. A true evil cunt.

Loving it though, Andy, good job, we need more of that from all readers of this wonderful, educational blog, a blog that will come in so handy to millions in years to come. I will have a few more tomorrow, but til then let’s get our thinking caps on. Unless I start feeling better and I go out on the rip.