Saturday, February 25, 2012

I don't even know how to start this blog, the reason I feel I have to do this is because Cian always used to tell me to keep blogging. Every time I met him he would bring it up and tell me that it was good. He was one of the people that stands out in my head that constantly encouraged me to keep writing this thing. I need to honor this man, I need to pay tribute to this lovely, lovely bloke that, not only was one the soundest divils this city had to offer, but one of the most interesting, honest lads you were ever likely to meet.

I remember hanging out with my mates from school, Rugs and Joe, at the Red Box on a complete random one, and they were starting to hang around with this new crew, this new very sophisticated crew. You had guys like Chewy and Freeze, who were so chiseled and manly for their age, I probably would of rode the pair of them myself if I was given the opportunity. You then had the girls like Grace, Katey, Rachel and Rossa, 4 girls I fancied as soon as I saw them, all at the same time, if thats possible. And then I distinctly remember this wise cracking cheeky pisstaker named Cian. We were at 2 Many DJ, around the time when that Dolly Parton mix came out, and I remember feeling I was well settled and welcomed by with these new mad heads that were now in my life. The night soon went from the Red Box to us finding ourselves at a party on Howth Beach, around the back of Howth. We had to hike for what seemed like an hour, it was probably about ten minutes, but you get the idea, it was hard work at that stage of the evening . . . or morning. I remember myself, Joe and Cian stumbling upon a massive heli-pad, like, as in a massive platform for a fucking helicopter. We approached and we scratched our heads thinking 'what craic can we get out of this thing?', when we found there was very little crack we could get out of a standard heli-pad, we sat, had a smoke and then we continued on our way, continued on the journey to what was to be one of the most amazing parties of my young life. The music was starting to become within hearing distance, you could hear the bass from over a sand dune and to say we were having the crack at this stage would be the most outrageous understatement of the decade. . . . . no, I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say – Century! On that beach we remained for the foreseeable 8 hours and we danced our asses off. Billy Scurry dropped Blue Monday by New Order and we threw our hands up in the air and waved them around like we just don't care.

Shuffling on about 2 or 3 years, - Backlash in Wax, probably the best night to ever land on this city, like a bat out of hell it was. There were a number of heads that were there every Thursday without fail, it was like Cheers. As you were walking in, in your head, you would hear – 'Making your way in the world today takes everything you got, makin way for all your worries sure could help a lot, wouldn't you like to get away, WHERE EVERYBODY KNOWS YOUR NAME!' and so on. Cian Hallinan was a part of the furniture down in that kip and that Thursday night, for me, was the start of my whole buzz with everyone I know and love to this day. It was the best crack I ever had and will ever have. He was always there right through that whole period, a friendly face whenever you were out for a smoke or a rest or whatever the case may have been.

From then on Cian was there, side by side with his partner in crime, Joe. Ready for some serious witty banter at the drop of a hat, ready to rip into some well deserved slagging, back and forth. Ready to dissect a film, a tune, a TV show, a pointless celebrity – you name it, it was getting ridiculed. My last memory with Cian was me, him and Joe and few others at Chewy and Zonja's birthday and at one stage, we were trying to get under this fan because the place was so boiling in the basement of the South William. We eventually got the worst earaches known to man from that fan.

Laughing out load in the kitchens of parties is my main memory of the bloke. He was a sweet, sweet fella to know and I am completely shocked and saddened at his passing yesterday. I never understood how important my mates were until today, I love you all and if ever you need a chat about anything, just call me. Please

Anyway, to finish this up, I once worked very close with Ronnie Drew and I heard him sing these words before and I believe it is quite appropriate now

Of all the money that ere I had, I spent it in good company.
And of all the harm that ere I've done, alas was done to none but me.
And all I've done for want of wit, to memory now I cannot recall.
So fill me to the parting glass. Goodnight and joy be with you all.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Hi Everyone,

For anyone interested in reading more Jacking off as well as other blogs written by myself and others, check out

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Something is weird this year, something is a miss, no one seems to be up for the Electric Picnic. What is the fucking crack? Normally, it is the only weekend on the Irish calendar where everyone is within a 4 kilometre radius of each other, down in Stradbally. But this year, I know fuck all people that have confirmed that they will be down at the Picnic giving it the large one. Has it lost it’s appeal? Are we all just getting a little bit too old for it? No, fuck that, the Electric Picnic is still the best weekend Ireland has to offer and you must be joking if we’re getting to old for it. I will be doing festivals when I’m in my Zima frame and wearing nappies.

What is it though? Is it the weather? Last years Picnic weather was taking the piss. Myself and my two mates, Jordi & Aaron were heading down on the Friday morning nice and early to get ourselves a tasty spot in the Jimi Hendrix campsite. The sun was splitting the stones and it looked as though we were on for the best weather the Picnic has ever seen. The Friday was lovely, right through but everyone awoke on the Saturday morning to see doom and gloom. It was the greyest, dullest morning ever but it wasn’t raining so that was the main thing, everyone spoke to soon. As Leftfield were finishing up what was probably the best live show I have ever seen at the Picnic, the heavens opened. It was on and off until Sunday morning. That is when what looked like a hurricane hit Stradbally. On the Sunday, it pissed, it pissed worse than anything you could ever imagine. I remember sitting in my tent, the rain lashing against the side of it and I’m listening to a game of charades in the tent next to me. ‘This is not very Picnic, I thought to myself.’ I step out to maybe see if there is anyone to talk to under the gazebos, not only were there no people but there were no gazebos. Out of three gazebos, none of them we still standing, one had fell where it stood, one was on top of Jordi’s tent with him inside asleep and as for the third one, God knows, it was no where to be seen. I know that experience, on the Sunday, was not that pleasurable and people might be holding off til nearer, to see what the weather is like. As we all know it has been officially the worst summer in Ireland since they starting measuring that shit.

Also, everyone seems to be broke and just can’ afford it, I know I’m in that boat for sure. To go the Picnic, it costs one at least 500 quid. 250 for the ticket, tent / sleepingbag / etc at least 30, gargle going down 50, smokes going down 30, food and drink when you’re down there a least 70 euro a day. So you’re actually talking the best part of 500 to 600 euro for the weekend. But I have never missed a Picnic, I been to every single one of them and I am not ready to start missing them, I will get down there. I have entered every single competition known to man inculuding the one I won last year, the Heiniken Competition. Instead of of being asked who I would go with to the Picnic, they are asking us to come up with a line-up for this years Heiniken Electonica Bar, a five slot line-up. I need these tickets, I hope it’s a enough, check it out –

One must consider many things before being asked to do this extraordinarily important job. First off, first and foremost, you must ask yourself one thing - Are you worthy? Are you really worthy enough to take control of one of the slickest areas at one of the slickest festivals in the world? Are you? Do you honestly believe that you have it in you to put together a line up so sweet that it might rival last years or any year for that matter? Do really think, hand on heart, you have what it takes? My answer to this easy question is simply – Yes, I am, . . . . . . Surprised at my answer, I didn’t think so. I have been waiting my whole life to be given an opportunity to prove myself in this field, and now, that day has finally come. This year I will pick a line up so amazing, so entertaining, so outrageously funkadelic that the EP revellers will not know how to contain themselves, it will be like nothing we’ve every seen before.
I presume the day in question will be the Friday night; I want the Heineken Electronica Bar looking at its best for this. Of course, an insane amount of effort will go into the d├ęcor of the bar; there will be a ridiculous amount of lights & lasers ready to go & the bar staff will be on the top of their game. The place will look great; the place will look ready, ready for the best gig the Picnic has ever seen. Doors of the Picnic normally open at around 3pm so that gives me around 9 hours to play with, as I presume the tunes will go til midnight at least.
Let’s look at the DJ booth, a very important aspect, it will be kitted out to the absolute max. Brand new, mint condition Technic 1210s, even though they have stop producing these beauties, I still manage to get a set made especially for the gig. CDJ 2000 – the new ones that cost a fortune and beside that, a whopper rig of synths, keyboards & drum machines all hooked up to the most obnoxious set of speakers the world has ever seen, these bad boys are gonna blow people into next week. There will also be a high platform stage erected for any special guests who might pop out for an occasional appearance. I cannot wait!
Anyway, the time has come, the weekenders have entered the arena and they are all headed straight for the Heineken Electronica Bar for one of the best nights of their young lives. First act up, the suspense is killing everyone, its Muzik Box legendary DJ, Ron Hardy, featuring Holly Johnson from Frankie Goes to Hollywood on live vocal. Everyone stands, scratching their heads in confusion until the two lads kick into the tune that made them both famous – ‘Welcome to the Pleasure Dome’, this tune is the only tune to get a sweet day of music going, and house and 80s synth from there on in. An hour and a half goes by and Ron Hardy finally collapses off the stage as usual. The audience eagerly awaits the second act, its 4.30, everyone gets themselves tasty refreshing brewsky and all they hear from behind the curtain is – ‘Ski-Ba-Bop-Ba-Dop-Bop’, Oh, my God, could it be, no . . . . Yes, yes it is, IT’S THE SCATMAN! The Scatman proceeds to lash out as many nineties hits as he possibly can over his hour and a half set, while enthusiastically scatting into the mic when ever he can. The crowd at this stage have their glow sticks out and are raring to go.
It is time for slot number 3, 18:00 – 20:00, and coolly strutting up to the DJ booth with the tenacity in the world, is Paradise Garage Legend, the one, the only – Larry Levan. One massive spot light on the man himself, he lifts his first record high into the air and the crowd is going ballistic. His first track is ‘Love Temptation’ and with that who appears on the stage to accompany him on vocals but the late, great Lolita Holloway. She breaks out into a vocal so unbelievably powerful that people are moved to tears in the audience. This is just none stop for the next 2 hours, disco, disco and more disco, the only word to describe the dance floor is boppin.
By the time 8 o clock rocks around, pretty much half the festival is at the bar, the atmosphere is incredible; every person has a Chester Cat grin on their face as they wait to see who will be the penultimate act. The curtain is pulled, sitting there at the keyboards and synths is a very cool Mark Ronson who stands and grabs the mic. He shouts, ‘I’m only here for one reason and one reason only, and that is to back up my lil sista, take it away, Amy.’ And with that appearing on the stage beside him, for one last gig, Amy Winehouse. Mark is sampling old soul records on the decks and mixing them with original synths and piano. Amy is launching into some unforgettable lyrics throughout and finally finishes with a known favourite, you know which one, she then walks off with a smile and wave – love you, Amy.
The crowd at this stage can’t believe what has gone on here today, this is only day one of the Picnic and we have already had a bunch of DJs along with some extra special guests that cannot be rivalled and there is still one more act to go. Who the hell is it? It could be anybody in the history of the world. Who possibly could it be?
A load drown is heard from the speakers, the lights go completely down, the curtain goes back, no one can quite make out who it is. One bloke by the decks and another by the keys, a third bloke is on the stage with a mic. Who are these mystery men? Reveal yourselves! One of them lifts his arm as the beat of ‘Song of Life’ comes in, yes, it is Neil Barnes AKA Leftfield on the Decks but who is it accompanying him on keys and vocal, this is has got to be epic. The keys suddenly kick in and it none other than Ludwig Von Beethoven on keys, wig on and everything. The place is erupting into frenzy. Everyone is dancing their arses off and waving their arms in the air, so much so that don’t even care. But who is our guest MC, who is the guy whose gonna drop some serious rhymes and take the roof off this place. The lights hit the stage hard and fast, standing there, fully kitted out in the usual garb is MC Willy Shakespeare and he rinses into some hardcore Elizabethan flows. The Barnes and Ludwig are perfectly in sync with each other while Willy is up there waxing lyrical about love, hate and revenge – ‘A plague on both your moth***kin houses’. It ends with such an eruption of applause that it continues for about fifteen minutes, people are in shock.
In a gig of final sets, that was the final set. People walk away flabbergasted, they will speak of it in years to come, they will tell their children and their children’s children. It will be hoisted amongst the great gigs of modern times – Woodstock, Burning Man, Glastonbury, and it will most definitely, for sure, put the Heineken Electronica Bar on the Electric Picnic Map forever. Come on the Electric Picnic 2011!

That’s it, anyway, I’m very fearful that they will remember my name from last year and feel like they have to give to someone else. That will break my heart, fingers cross.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

The Search for the Evilest Men in Hollywood - 2

Day 2 on my search for the most evil motherfuckers in Hollywood, lets go! My sickness, I can feel its starting to lift, I can breathe through my nose, I don’t feel like I have lung cancer anymore but the aces, pain and weakness have yet to shift. I think I caught this one before it got epically nasty, thank Christ. I have found a new thing to get me through a flu, the worst thing for me is always that I can never sleep, I just cant, because the cough is too harsh, I lie down a cough like a mad thing – I have a new secret – Benolyn Night Nurse, the drowsy shit – Fuck me, does that shit work. Two table spoonfuls of that stuff and, I swear to God, you are feeling drowsy by the time your ass is back on the couch, about to watch your tenth episode of the West Wing, it has saved me. Anyway, less talk about how shitty I’m feeling and more talk of nasty bastards and how they have made characters in movies feel shitty on numerous occasions. My first of the day is, villain extraordinaire, David Patrick Kelly,

Kelly’s film debut appearance kicked off his career as an evil little cunt with flying colours; he plays the little psycho leader of the Rogues, Luther in the ultimate cult classic The Warriors. He, of course, is the catalyst that kicks off the hunt for the Warriors. Supposedly on the set, in that famous last scene, the Rogue car pulls up in front of The Warriors and Kelly, who is in the car, was supposed to just hit the horn a few times, but instead he improvised this – legend

Kelly’s next movie, he was reunited with the director of The Warriors in the Eddie Murphy / Nick Nolte movie, 48 Hours, where surprisingly enough he plays a horrible little weasel, yeah, I think that is a perfect way to describe every character this guy plays. Coincidentally, his character again was named Luther.
Next film, Kelly would play the character that I would be most familiar with, in the 80s action classic, Commando, what a fucking film. I remember recording Commando on video when it was being shown on UTV, I was twelve years old. I knew my parents were never going to let me watch it, so I got up at about 7 o clock on a Saturday morning and got stuck into this absolute shoot’em up, it was one of the greatest moments of my life up to that point. This is the one character he played, the one baddie that always stuck out for me, Sully. Picture this - Airport scene, Arnie plays the character of Matrix, he has to go to some South American Country, a country that does not have a name, who cares about that, that never matters, the important bit is, Arnie has kill the president of that country or the terrorist group that Sully is apart of are going to send Arnie’s kid ‘back to him in pieces’

Sully -
“You have a nice trip, oh and here (Sully gives Arnie ten dollars), Have some beers in Val Verde, It'll give everyone more time with your daughter.”

You’re a funny guy, Sully, I like you. That’s why I’m going to kill you last

Take care now

About fifteen minutes later in the movie this is what becomes of Sully, without a doubt one of Arnie’s most memorable scenes.

Next up for Kelly, two very sinister parts altogether, the first being that horrible Dropshadow in that weird David Lynch film, Wild at Heart. I don’t know what it is with me but David Lynch film always freak me the fuck out and this one was no different.

Then onto Spike Lee’s epic, Malcolm X, he is savage as a young Malcolm’s 4th grade teacher, it’s just one small scene but very effective, he shows that sort of passive racism that was obviously embedded in people’s minds in America pre-civil rights movement.

Then Kelly joins one of our already excepted Evil Hollywood Alumni in The Crow, he plays one of Michael Winncot’s henchmen. Kelly’s character, T-Bird is one of the 4 guys that rapes and murders Brandon Lee’s bird, then kills Brandon himself. Then, of course, Brandon rises from the dead as The Crow and kicks at least fifty five colours of shit out Kelly and his 3 mates. So what does our boy Brandon do when he’s done with the lads, he heads up on the roof of some building and whales it on a Flying V guitar in the pissing rain. Legend! Brandon Lee subsequently died on set, he was shot with a real gun in scene. How rock n roll can you get – RIP Brandon.

Jesus, when I looked this guy, David Patrick Kelly up, fuck me, he has a shit load baddies to his name. I think we have a contender for class president here, folks. Does anyone remember the Bruce Willis movie a few years ago, Last Man Standing? Guess who is there with his nasty little face getting right up in Bruce’s grill; you know it, David Patrick Kelly playing the head of the Irish gang. Savage movie, that got no attention. Check it out if you never seen it.

More recently, showing plenty of age, Kelly was in the remake of The Longest Yard with Adam Sandler. The original was with Burt Reynolds back in 70s, okay movie, didn’t warrant any attention and certainly not a remake. Then they remade it starring Vinnie Jones in that awful piece of shit, Mean Machine, The Longest Yard - The Cockney Version. Then they decided one remake was not enough, they get Adam Sandler, Chris Rock, Nelly, James Cromwell from Babe, even Bert Reynolds himself and, of course, our friend, David Patrick Kelly as an evil psycho, who would of thought. Absolute Legend.

Someone has submitted a possible contender, Andy Sweeney of Scoop Foundation Fame has been the first person to offer up his services and enter up a potential baddie into the book of evil bastards of Hollywood history. But, even though I applaud Andy’s enthusiasm, I don’t believe James Hong to be as bad as people make him out to be. Do we not recall in The Golden Child, he is one of Eddie Murphy’s mates; he introduces him to that snake lady in Chinatown. Then, we have Fred Savage buying that magic statue off him in Visa Versa, the statue that turns him into his dad and his dad into him. I also cast my mind back to Wayne’s World 2 where he plays Tia Carrara’s Da who isn’t quite as cuntish as you need him to be to enter into this list.
But, Andy, you have inspired our next entry, call me racist on this one but have you ever heard of Al Leong, this dude is the evilest oriental motherfucka this side of the Pacific.

Leong started off his career as a stunt man so naturally he was constantly cast as the dudes who end up getting his asses kicked which, as we know, majority of the time is the bad guy. So for the first half of his career, he is credited as Yakuza Thug, Triad Henchman, even Asian Looking Gang Leader. Then came along Big Trouble in Little China, Leong is the axe wielding Hatchet Man causing Kurt Russell a whole lot of trouble. Speaking of which, I really need to see that movie again, it’s been about fifteen years

In Leong’s next project, he turns up for one scene in Lethal Weapon. Gary Busey (who you might think would be worthy of this list but no, Point Break rules him out), has Mel hanging from both wrists from a chain and water is pouring all over him. Enter the character of Endo, in for some electronic torture. Sadly, Mel gets the best of poor oul’Endo, but by Jaysus, I’d say Riggs was fierce wrecked after it. check it out

So by 1987, Leong has been killed by Mel Gibson and Kurt Russell, what next? Do you really want to know? Well, let’s try Bruce Willis. Yes, this has to be Leong’s most infamous role; he is one of the terrorists in Die Hard. One of the things I’ve always thought strange about that movie, the serious ethnic diversity within that group of terrorists. Where did all they meet up? Where did Hans pick up this gang of misfits? First off, you have Hans who is obviously German and I think there are a few other Germans here and there. There is the two Swedish brothers, they are obviously Swedes, hello, blonde. You have the nerdy black fella on the computers trying to open the safe, there is that standard white American dude at the front desk who sound like he’s from some hick village in north Alabama, I’m pretty positive there is a long hair Mexican bloke somewhere and to round it all off we have Al Leong, the most random of them all, from fuckin Indo, China. What the fuck is he hanging around with Hans and the lads for? But, you know what, Leong has one of the funniest bits in the whole movie – there he is, machine gun in hand, readily poised in the lobby, if anyone comes near the windows, Leong is gonna put a cap in his ass. He looks down and sees a load chocolate bars in the case below him, and he cant fucking resist, he has to take one.

The funny thing at this stage, Leong has not spoken a word in any of these movies but yet, even with out words, he still maintains that evil viciousness needed to get onto this list. After Die Hard, he would go on to get his ass kicked by Van Damme in Death Warrant, Eddie Murphy lights him up in Beverly Hills Cop 3 when he get nicked in a chop shop. He gets reunited with Kurt Russell’s boot in Escape from LA and his latest movie, I’ve never heard of it, it’s called Sledge and his characters name is Evil Doctor, that says it all. A true evil cunt.

Loving it though, Andy, good job, we need more of that from all readers of this wonderful, educational blog, a blog that will come in so handy to millions in years to come. I will have a few more tomorrow, but til then let’s get our thinking caps on. Unless I start feeling better and I go out on the rip.

Thursday, June 30, 2011

The Search for the Evilest Men in Hollywood - 1

Here I am, lying on my couch, dying of the worst fucking flu I’ve had in ages, . . . . . . . . . . well, not in ages, it’s not as bad as the one I had back there in November where I literally thought I had emphysema, and each and every cough felt like my chest was about cave in, where every trip to the jacks made me feel like Augustus Gloop out of Willie Wonka and every hallucination felt like something out of a Hunter S. Thompson novel. No, it would be unfair of me to compare it to that week of absolute hell, but it’s not far behind it, it's a close second. I’m trying to keep my mind off it, keep it as occupied as possible because the more I ponder the sickness, the more magnified it gets, so what do I do? I’m trying to think of actors that, by no fault of their own, are consistently playing baddies. You know the actors I’m talking about. They never play good guys, only bad guys.

Now, I’m not talking about the likes of Anthony Hopkins, yes, I know he has some of the greatest baddies in the history of film to his name, Hannibal, ‘The Cannibal’ Lector, Benicio Del Toro’s oul’fella in Wolfman, he’s played Richard Nixon, who I suppose is a villain and, of course, who can forget Fredrick Treves in the Elephant Man. There is no doubting it, he has played some absolute bastards in his time but he has also played some lovely characters, so lovely that they defiantly have to counter act the others – John Quincy Adams, C.S. Lewis, The Butler in Remains of the Day and that oul’lad in Meet Joe Black. I want some serious arseholes here.

You might be thinking of lets say, Alan Rickman, over the years, he has portrayed complete and utter cunts it has to be said. Hans Gruber in Die Hard – wanker, Sheriff of Nottingham – dickhead, The Judge in Sweeney Todd – even bigger dickhead &, of course, how can we forget his performance as Eamon De Valara.

But considering all this – Love Actually, Harry Potter Movies, Galaxy Quest and Dogma. Alan Rickman can kick ass as a good guy. I want actors who look evil, when you see them, they look dodgy as fuck. They can play nothing else.

Who I’m talking about is the likes of Christopher Lee, that calibre of actor. No matter what Christopher Lee puts his hand to, it is sinister as bejaysis. First one off the bat has to be The Wicker Man. I only saw The Wicker Man for the first time, would you believe about a month ago. I had the unfortunate luck to see the Nick Cage remake about 6 years ago and it completely put me off. But when I saw the Christopher Lee one, fuck me, he is quality in it, everyone is quality in it. That image of them doing that childish dance at the end while the wicker man is going up in smoke is freaky.

I also believe that Christopher Lee holds the record for playing the No. 1 baddie in the history of film, Dracula. He holds the record for playing Dracula the most times, I think it is 8 or something. He also has The Mummy and Frankenstein to his name.
Not to mention, his performances in the Star Wars Prequels as the Jedi Knight come Sith Lord, Count Ducu & his portrayal of the White Wizard, Saroman in the Lord of the Rings trilogy and lest we not forget, Scaramanga in The Man with the Golden Gun. He is the king of baddie, but Christopher Lee is an easy one, I want to know others.

They also don’t have to be famous actors mind you; they can be those low key actors that everyone knows, but not really. You know those character actors who always just turn up in shit, you never know their names but they are always complete cunts every time you see them. You know the guys I’m talking about. The first man on my list is this dude. The gravelly Michael Wincott

Never have I ever seen this dude play anything other than a complete sap. First film where he springs to mind would be where he appear next to Alan Rickman, in Robin Hood where he played Guy of Gisbourne, the sheriff’s brother or something, Here is what Wincott said about the roll,

‘It's always so much more interesting to play the villains and this guy is real son of a bitch.’

I also recall him in a under rated action movie starring Eddie Murphy called Metro, it was a simple action movie, okay, but I believe it was one of Eddie Murphy’s last decent live-action movie, not that that is saying a lot. Anyway, Michael Wincott, again, was a sweet ass bad guy in that, a real mad thing and here is what he said about the role,

‘The guy I'm playing in Metro thinks of himself as a responsible and nice guy, after all, he is taking care of his retarded cousin. That is what I try to keep in mind, when I'm shooting and stabbing people.’ – Brilliant

He also played the head bad guy in The Crow, which is up there as one of my favourite movies from my teenage years and, once again, Michael Wincott was the evil bastard in that movie, probably one of the best villians. It’s his distinctive raspy voice that gives him his evilness, he is fucking savage. And of course, he has a fountain of others to his name – the horrible prison guy in Count of Monty Cristo, the psycho in Along Came a Spider; he plays a human smuggler in Alien Resurrection and who can forget him as the one eyed Rochefort in The Three Musketeers. He is first on my list; this is the calibre of actor I’m talking about. Complete Bastards.

Second on my list is very unknown actor, yet, he has been in some huge movies but he never really hit the big time. The reason being, I believe, is because he can only play cunts. This man will always play villains, he just has that face. His name is Peter Greene

I’m sure, as you see this guys photo, you all immediately go – Zed. Yes, Zed from Pulp Fiction is probably his most notable role to date, the sadistic cop who forces Marcellas Wallace to go down to Brownstown while he lets his hick mate watch as that all-famous Comanche tune rings out. Probably my favourite scene in the film, I remember watching Pulp Fiction for the first time in my mate Franko’s gaf back in Rathfarnham and my jaw being on the floor and the fact that Zed is in a cop outfit throws a massive curve ball into the scene, why is he a cop?. Another question you might ask as well is, is Zed even a cop? Or is it just a costume that empowers him as he rapes his victims? Either way, Greene fucking nails that small but effective part in my favourite film of all time. One of my all time wishes is to see what those ‘hard pipe hittin niggas’ do to Zed when they get their hands on him.

Another one of my favourite films, also, stars Peter Greene and what do you know, he plays a bastard, but a slick bastard at that. In the Usual Suspects, our five leading characters head out to California to meet Stephen Baldwin’s character’s fence, Redfoot, Greene plays Redfoot. There are two scenes with Redfoot, both in same location, on this peer. First one is during the day, all nice and friendly, everyone introduces themselves, another job is offered and its all fine and dandy but the scene finishes with a sweet little exchange of words between Gabrial Byrne and Greene’s character, Redfoot, about how Byrne’s character killed one of his mates in prison which is probably one of the slickest little bits of dialogue in the whole movie.

The second scene is at night, it’s after the job and it is quite a different atmosphere. There was no cash for our main characters at the job and they want answers and it is Peter Greene’s scene. Verbally, it is him against the five lads, back and forth until Greene’s character flicks his smoke into Stephen Baldwin’s face and gets it on the money, right on his eyeball. The scene then opens up to a classic Mexican stand off between Pollock, Baldwin, Del Toro, Spacey & Gabriel Byrne against Peter Greene’s lads, who have an M-60 on the roof of their pick up truck. Redfoot, coolly walks away laughing, slick as you like. In these two scenes, Peter Greene is quality.

Peter Greene was also the main bad guy beside Jim Carey in The Mask, now; it has been over a decade since I saw The Mask but what I remember it was pretty good, entertaining crap, a bit wacky, but pretty good. That moment when Peter Greene ends up putting the mask on, I remember being savage.
He was also, if memory serves me correctly, a part of Denzel’s crew in Training Day, the crew who Denzel wants Ethan Hawke to join. Greene is the one who accidentally gets shot when they burst in on Scott Glenn. It was himself, Dr. Dre, Nick Chinlund (who I will defo be talking about next, he is another evil bastard) and some unknown dude that I don’t know or care about.
Also, Does anyone remember a cop comedy starring Martin Lawrence called Blue Streak? Greene, again, up to his old tricks again, played the main bad guy. I don’t know what it is with him, he just has an untrustworthy face, as soon as you see him, you just think to yourself – he is fucking dodgy.
Greene also appeared in Under Siege 2, a classic, where he played surprise, surprise – a terrorist. I think Stephen Segal opens a fresh can of whoop-ass on Greene towards the end.

These are the actors, I’m talking about. They need to be celebrated and the funny thing is, they are all probably bang on, the soundest chuns in the world but unfortunately for them every where they go, every place they are, they have people coming up and saying – ‘You know what, bro, you’re an absolute twat, you are.’ I am going to spend the next couple of blogs dedicating every word to these actors. Whose next? Back to my research. I'll have a few more tomorrow.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Scoop Race Night

I wrote a blog only recently about the slow death of the Table Quiz and that I wanted to discuss how and why they are less and less frequent in the pubs of Dublin, the fact that well organized and well controlled quizzes are few and far between to pretty much none existence, the fact that cheating is just way too easy with the birth of the iphone. But there is an answer to this problem, there is a solution, there is the table quiz's bastard brother that can take the rains and hopefully restore a similar buzz that a table quiz used to give, that brother's name is The Race Night.

I know where I will be this Thursday night, I will be cheering on my horse 'Tit Frig Wank' in the Scoop foundation's annual Race Night in Pygmalion. It kicks off at 8pm until late, I cannot wait, I haven't been to one of these things in years. I will be coming straight from football so I'd say I'll be defo in the running for the coveted best dressed award.

If anyone wants to sponsor a race or a horse just pop into the facebook link above and hopefully we can help fund Scoop's school building projects in India & Cambodia.
For info on the Scoop check this link -

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Between the Canals and a Hard Place

Okay, I want to tell you a story about a film I saw just there, this film is probably, without a doubt, one of the worst piece of cinema I have ever seen in my life and that is saying a lot. This movie was so incredibly awful that I actually don't know where to start. I don't know where to go with this blog.

The film in question is Between the Canals. Now, let me give you a brief run down of the story. In the first fifteen minutes of screen time, yes, fifteen minutes of screen time, we are introduced to three of our main characters, Dots, Liam and Scratchcard . . . . Yes, Scratchcard is one of our leading characters. In this first fifteen minutes what do they do? What do they do, you ask me. They buy three cans, not each, but between them. Thats about it

Liam is supposed to be the protagonist, the guy you believe might have a shred of decency in him but we are only given this impression because the other two are such filthy scumbags. We then move onto the character of Dots, who is Liam's best mate, he is missing teeth, wears a Paddy cap, wears bling bling gold jewellery and is a reprehensible little cunt with not one redeeming quality. From the moment you meet this character, you are counting the minutes to his demise; in fact, I have never wanted a character in a film to get it so badly, it was the only reason I stayed watching. And onto the Scratchcard character, this guy is like a middle ground between the other two; he is the real fuckin idiot of the three, just a moron, pure and simple. The guy who they take the piss out of. I'm telling you right now, if I was known as the thick one in this threesome, I would be ending it all pretty shortly.

Just to give you a timeline, the film starts on the morning of Paddy's Day and ends pretty much the same time on the following day, so the film is over the course of 24 hours and I cannot tell you the amount of nothingness that happens within that time.

Now, the first fifteen minutes pass, the lads have bought cans, Dots has sold a robbed phone to a bunch kids for a fiver and he has also tazered a junkie with a cattle prod. This is where we are at and I am thinking at this stage, where the fuck is this thing going because the charisma of these actors is not exactly enough to hook me at this stage. In fact, I've never seen acting quite like it. These guys were acting like the director strolled into the nearest block of flats in town with film crew and hand picked three of the first scumbags he could find, showed them the script and asked them to do it with no rehearsal what so ever. I know Ken Loach does this the whole time but, sadly, this is not a Ken Loach movie.

Enter a little plot line, Liam, our leading man, spots this bird with a pram and runs over to her. She is the love interest. He is the kid’s father and obviously hasn't been paying them any attention to them since the kid has been born. We also find out in this conversation that Liam has come from his Uncles funeral the day previous to this scene; his uncle was a criminal and was murdered. He tells the girl to fuck off and off he goes with the lads on the piss with their three cans of Hackenberg.

Now we are about twenty minutes in and the lads arrive at this pool hall, the guy behind the counter is old and asleep, they see if they can rob him but there is nothing to rob. Dots goes in and plays a computer roulette machine and wins €80 on his first go, the guy wakes up and tells them to get out because Dots is barred for selling drugs in there the last day and he rips up Dots' winning ticket. They kick the shit out of him, then enter two known gangsters and they get into a fight with the lads, as the gangsters know the poor owner of this pool hall and want to help him. They get the better of these two gangsters and they leggit. The gangsters then head back to their superiors and the lads are now wanted lads in Dublin on Paddys Day. Oh no, boo hoo, I don't care what happens to these idiots at this point, they deserve anything they get at this stage. Now that is the height of the narrative for the whole movie.

I would like to add that it is Paddys Day and you see very little evidence that it is Paddys Day, on occasion you might see two drunk trannys with paraphernalia from Carroll's Gift Shop on walking by and I think we have a scene in a pub with two Americans but that is about it except for the fact that the words 'Paddy's Day' is in every second line of dialogue.

I'm not going to go any further with the story because number 1, I'm not the type to be ruining films, if that’s what you want to call this piece of shit and number 2, I'm just getting bored even remembering it at this stage. From there, we have a bunch of just random stuff happening for the rest of the movie, one of them gets a gun, one of them is offered a job by a gangster, one of them gets a hiding that was quite soft, if you ask me, not exactly the hiding he deserved, and then some where near the end they are delivering a load of coke to this Nigerian bisexual who is snorting the Charlie off the end of a machete. The whole thing is so morto, it's actually hilarious. In fact, it's like a spoof movie, a parody of Irish movies.

The bottom line is this film was financed by the Irish Film Board, was accepted into the Jameson Irish Film Festival and now, has a cinema release. I just don't know what to say, I really don't . . . . . I really don't. Who is running things here? I really do scratch my head when it comes to this shit. I am shocked and appalled. If anyone goes to this film and likes it, which plenty of people have, I just read a glowing review from the Irish Times just there, you people need to have a lobotomy, that is if you haven't had one already. You need to stop this ridicules sentimentality for the Irish Film Industry, we are better than this; we are so much better then this.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

We Can Do It

Right, Trapp has announced his 29 man squad, the squad that will be responsible for, firstly, taking the Macedonians out of the running in our group and, secondly, they will also be responsible for keeping us in with a chance of topping the group. Victory against Macedonia is essential to this campaign, just as it was with Armenia & Andorra.

If we look at the Macedonian team, we should be hockeying the fuck out of them to be honest; most of their players are playing in Eastern European Leagues with most of them coming from the Cyprus National League and Azerbaijan National League. The only danger is their Captain Fantastic, Goran Pandev, the man responsible for pulling Inter out of that hole they were in against Bayan Munich

Here is the 29 man squad -

Westwood (Coventry), Randolph (Motherwell), Forde (Millwall)

Foley (Wolves), O'Shea (Man Utd), Clark (Aston Villa), Coleman (Everton), Dunne (Aston Villa), St Ledger (Preston), O'Dea (Ipswich), Kelly (Fulham), Kilbane (Huddersfield), Wilson (Stoke)

Gibson (Man Utd), Whelan (Stoke), Green (Derby County), Laurence (Portsmouth), MacCarthy (Wigan), MacGeady (Spartak), Treacy (Preston), Andrews (Blackburn), Fahey (Birmingham), Duff (Fulham)

Keane (West Ham), Walters (Stoke), Doyle (Wolves), Long (Reading), Best (Newcastle), Keogh (Bristol City)

First thing that jumps out at you is, obviously, no Given. Who do we pick in goal? Everyone in the media is saying Coventry's Kieran Westwood who already has 5 Irish caps to date but, I'm thinking, this guys is in goal for Coventry who haven't been exactly playing well this season, they are two places from relegation in the Championship. This new guy, Randolph, who has had pretty successful season at Motherwell, they are in the top half of the Scottish Premiership and he's playing every game. I say give this guy a go. So my choice for at least the Uruguay game is Bray-born goalkeeper is Darren Randolph, give him a run out.

Onto my pick for central defenders, Dunne has today and tomorrow to prove to Trapp that he's fit, he has my vote to take that first Centre Back place, if he recovers in time that is, wishful thinking, I love John O'Shea in that central role rather than on the right, we have plenty of cover of the right so I want him in the centre. There are other good options in the centre, though. Marc Wilson has been playing savage for Stoke, particularly well in that 4-0 thrashing of Newcastle at the weekend. I would worry about giving it to St Ledger as Preston are rooted to the foot of Championship, letting in 65 goals in 36 games, that is not the best by any stretch. And as for Darren O'Dea, who has been gracefully warming the Ipswich bench for the season, well, he can just ger ow of it.

We have an abundance of players that can fit into the wide defender roles. Right back, we, of course, have O'Shea, who I have already put in the centre, but we also have Foley who has been playing week in - week out for Wolves and even though they are at the foot of the Premiership, they have been playing well all season. Seamus Coleman has been playing amazingly for Everton and will have to feature in the Irish set-up regularly for the foreseeable future but I believe he belongs at Right Midfield but he is good cover. The other cover at right back is Fulham's Stephan Kelly, who I am confident enough in. We have a fountain of talent at left back, first on the team sheet has got to be Villa's left back, Ciaran Clark, he has had a great season so far scoring 3 goals this season, one of them being that whopper against Arsenal. Marc Wilson, the Stoke defender, can also cover in this position but the one thing I can’t understand is the presence of Kevin Kilbane, I know we Irish are sentimental but this is ridicules. Kilbane has played 17 of Hudderfield's 38 games this season in League One . . . League One. Where the fuck is Stephen Ward? Not only has Stephen Ward been playing left back for Wolves all season in the Premiership but he can also cover at Left Wing, Defensive Midfield & Striker. We also drastically need Greg Cunningham to find another club, pronto.

Onto midfield, Centre Midfield,

Before we weight up our options here, we need to get onto this buzz, I like to call it the Jamie O'Hara buzz -

Anyway . . .

Everyone is gagging to see the competitive debut of one James MacCarthy, he played well at the weekend and I have no doubt he will start on Saturday. His partner in the centre will be the defensive Stoke midfielder, Glenn Whelan, believe it or not but Whelan is growing on me. He is playing regular football for Stoke and he is playing well, I would be confident with these two in the centre against Macedonia. But if that doesn't work out, who do we have in cover? I think Andrews got another injury so he looks like he's gonna miss out, Gibson, eeehhhh, he's got a good shot and he's playing at one of the top clubs in the world but not enough to hang your hat on. Not to get back to something I've already touched on but we have to get onto this Jamie O'Hara buzz, pronto! We cant get away from that, I don't want to be relying on the likes of Paul Green when we're coming up against Russia or Slovakia in 6 months time, there are others that we can have in there and that are playing regularly in the Premiership - Stephen Ward, Andy Reid, Stephen Reid & Rory Delap, they should all be considered.

Out wide again, we have a wealth of talent to choose from, on the right, Seamus Coleman who is probably on his way to becoming Everton's player of the season is a defo, with cover from Liam Laurence who has been solid for Portsmouth with 7 goals this season and Spartak Moscow's Aiden McGeady as well, it is safe to say we have the position of Right-Mid covered for a few years - especially when there are other players thinking of claiming - 'Jermaine Pennant, I'm looking at you.'

The Left, we have good'oul Duffer, a bit injury prone in his old age but solid as fuck, and he's been getting a few goals of late for Fulham, but when Damien is out of action, what do we do? You need not have any fear with cover from the likes of Birmingham's Keith Fahey who just won himself a Carling Cup medal and young Keith Tracey, okay, like St Ledger, he plays for Preston who are not exactly Top of the Pops at the moment but the one time Tracey put on the green shirt, he didn't look too bad, speedy, Terry Phelean style. There is also the injured Stephen Hunt who can play on both sides; we are truly blessed for wide players in this squad.

And finally, we look at our front two. Obviously, the question on everyone’s lips is do we play Keane, our fearless leader. I think for the moment, we have to play him. His influence on the team is huge and I believe, when he gets his shit together and starts banging in the goals for West Ham, we will be laughing at the idea of even considering dropping him. Partnering him, we will have Kevin Doyle beside him, who hasn't been as prolific as some of the others in the squad but deserves the place. The other options on the bench, firstly, Shane Long, he has banged in 20 goals in 40 games this season, pretty fuckin sweet, he should be next choice after Keane and Doyle. Then there is Leon Best with his 6 goals in his last 7 games, pretty deadly, and that Jonathon Walters is not looking to bad as well for Stoke. Now, let’s forget about Andy Keogh for 2 seconds and lets have a look at another player, he should be in here. Anthony Stokes at Celtic and what he has been at? Wanna know? Wanna Know? He has scored 12 goals in 23 games this season for Celtic. Now why the fuck is Bristol City boy, Andy Keogh, even being considered here over this dude, the cunt has scored 15 since 2008. Anthony Stokes all the way.

The bottom line is, after this analysis, I am pleasantly optimistic, I’m confident with this bunch of players, just a few trims here and there and we should have a tasty looking squad, a squad well capable of winning this group and certainly able to kick three colours of shite out of Macedonia on Saturday. For the Uruguay game, Trapp should start a lot of the new boys, all the covering players, Best, Long, Fahey, Wilson etc. I am hopeful; we seriously need a Champion Finals. Come on Ireland!

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Best Idea Dublin Has Ever Had

Something has happened in Dublin over the last 2 or 3 months, I don't know if anyone has noticed this but people who travel by bus in this city seem jollier, they seem less hostile, more friendly, more patient. You know why? I'll tell you, CIE have pulled off a piece of genius, they have finally done something that has made me want to just stroll into that office on O'Connell St and give them all a big round of applause, but I cant because that’s kind of weird. They have done something that could ease some of the tension and anguish in this city and boost morale of everyone. They are beginning to put these things on each and every bus stop in the city, you fucking legends.

Throughout my childhood on up through to my college years, waiting for buses for hours on end, not knowing when the bastards were going to come, was pretty much a daily experience for me. I cannot tell you what it was like, and I hear what you’re probably saying, 'What buses were you taking, man?' I used to get some of the worst buses on the fucking planet, for instance - to kick it off, the 16 from St. Enda's Park in Rathfarnham, this stop used to be the terminus so if there wasn't a bus there, you were waiting for ages. You never knew how long the next bus was going to be, has one just left or is there one just around the corner, it didn’t matter because the bus driver always had a five or ten minute chill out when he got there anyway. It was a nightmare and if you wanted to get the 16A, you had to trek down to St. Mary’s at the end of Nutgrove Avenue and in doing that, you might loose concentration and miss the 16 coming from behind you.

The 44A from Dundrum, for about 6 months when we were about 15, myself and my mates used to wait and wait and wait for this particular bus that went up to Enniskerry. I swear to God, this bus came about 3 times a day and there was no timetable on the bus stop but we still waited. Why? I hear you ask. Well, there was a hot bunch of birds up in Enniskerry at the time and they wanted to score us and we weren't missing out on that for the life of us, so we would wait, for sometimes, a couple of hours, I am not joking. Sometimes when we would be in town, hanging around, we'd see a 44A and we would point at it like it was the abominable snowman or something, I still do to this day.

Let's move onto the bus of many names that took me to school in Rathgar, it started as the 47, then the 47a, then it was the 15C and finally the 74A. Not that this bus was irregular, it was just unreliable. You could be standing there for a half hour and then three of the bastards would come along at the same time. Absolute bullshit!

Then finally onto my college years, I had to take this bus we used to call the 'Rags to Riches', it went from Ballsbridge to Ballyfermot, the 18, I used to jump on at Harold's Cross and this was a nightmare of the highest degree. I used to play a game with myself to help me through the waiting, if I sparked up a smoke, by the end of it, the bus would appear around the corner, if I was playing a tune on my ‘mini-disc player’, by the end of the tune, I would be stepping onto the bus and when the bus didn't arrive, I would be genuinely fuming. I would be in a fowler going into college.

I remember standing at all these bus stops over the years, coming up with inventions in my head, inventions where you would know exactly where the nearest bus was and when it was going to arrive. There is something about knowing when it is coming, even if it is twenty minutes, at least you know, you can go get a coffee and you don’t have to stand there like tit just waiting. Then the Luas came along and they had them installed at every station. Savage! Bus stops had to be next.

One thing I can’t understand is, how are they are affording all this? It just goes to show that the oul public transport department of Ireland are not so short of cashola, even in these times of, dare I say it, resession. Imagine how much it would costs to put one of those things up on each bus stop in Dublin. That’s a good question actually, How many bus stops are there in Dublin? And how much does one of those things cost.

But listen to this, my mate, Jordi and myself were discussing these new phenomenons, we were, through conversation, celebrating their brilliance when Jordi dropped this bombshell on me. There is this . . . . department, I don't know, in charge of Irish culture, the Irish language or something. I'm going to have to research this more. But, supposedly, they are making CIE take all the ones that are up, down again because the destinations are in English, . . . . . get the fuck out of it. If this is the case, CIE should just tell them to piss off; this is more money, more of the same bureaucratic bullshit that has been wasting the money of this country to date.

Here is the link, thanks Jordi -

Anyway, I want to finish this blog on a positive note. The whole idea is brilliant and as a person who takes the bus all the time, I salute you, genius, absolute genius. My life has been made so much easier. I can’t wait until they all have them.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Soundtrack Recommendation

Not only is this a soundtrack recommendation but, if you haven't seen the film, it is also a film recommendation. The Thin Red Line is without a shadow of a doubt the best war movie of all time, nipping Apocolypse Now at the post. One of the reasons I have given it this title is the amazing soundtrack, a soundtrack that I downloaded the fuck out of this morning. Here is a sample - It is absolutely deadly