Something is weird this year, something is a miss, no one seems to be up for the Electric Picnic. What is the fucking crack? Normally, it is the only weekend on the Irish calendar where everyone is within a 4 kilometre radius of each other, down in Stradbally. But this year, I know fuck all people that have confirmed that they will be down at the Picnic giving it the large one. Has it lost it’s appeal? Are we all just getting a little bit too old for it? No, fuck that, the Electric Picnic is still the best weekend Ireland has to offer and you must be joking if we’re getting to old for it. I will be doing festivals when I’m in my Zima frame and wearing nappies.



What is it though? Is it the weather? Last years Picnic weather was taking the piss. Myself and my two mates, Jordi & Aaron were heading down on the Friday morning nice and early to get ourselves a tasty spot in the Jimi Hendrix campsite. The sun was splitting the stones and it looked as though we were on for the best weather the Picnic has ever seen. The Friday was lovely, right through but everyone awoke on the Saturday morning to see doom and gloom. It was the greyest, dullest morning ever but it wasn’t raining so that was the main thing, everyone spoke to soon. As Leftfield were finishing up what was probably the best live show I have ever seen at the Picnic, the heavens opened. It was on and off until Sunday morning. That is when what looked like a hurricane hit Stradbally. On the Sunday, it pissed, it pissed worse than anything you could ever imagine. I remember sitting in my tent, the rain lashing against the side of it and I’m listening to a game of charades in the tent next to me. ‘This is not very Picnic, I thought to myself.’ I step out to maybe see if there is anyone to talk to under the gazebos, not only were there no people but there were no gazebos. Out of three gazebos, none of them we still standing, one had fell where it stood, one was on top of Jordi’s tent with him inside asleep and as for the third one, God knows, it was no where to be seen. I know that experience, on the Sunday, was not that pleasurable and people might be holding off til nearer, to see what the weather is like. As we all know it has been officially the worst summer in Ireland since they starting measuring that shit.

Also, everyone seems to be broke and just can’ afford it, I know I’m in that boat for sure. To go the Picnic, it costs one at least 500 quid. 250 for the ticket, tent / sleepingbag / etc at least 30, gargle going down 50, smokes going down 30, food and drink when you’re down there a least 70 euro a day. So you’re actually talking the best part of 500 to 600 euro for the weekend. But I have never missed a Picnic, I been to every single one of them and I am not ready to start missing them, I will get down there. I have entered every single competition known to man inculuding the one I won last year, the Heiniken Competition. Instead of of being asked who I would go with to the Picnic, they are asking us to come up with a line-up for this years Heiniken Electonica Bar, a five slot line-up. I need these tickets, I hope it’s a enough, check it out –

One must consider many things before being asked to do this extraordinarily important job. First off, first and foremost, you must ask yourself one thing - Are you worthy? Are you really worthy enough to take control of one of the slickest areas at one of the slickest festivals in the world? Are you? Do you honestly believe that you have it in you to put together a line up so sweet that it might rival last years or any year for that matter? Do really think, hand on heart, you have what it takes? My answer to this easy question is simply – Yes, I am, . . . . . . Surprised at my answer, I didn’t think so. I have been waiting my whole life to be given an opportunity to prove myself in this field, and now, that day has finally come. This year I will pick a line up so amazing, so entertaining, so outrageously funkadelic that the EP revellers will not know how to contain themselves, it will be like nothing we’ve every seen before.
I presume the day in question will be the Friday night; I want the Heineken Electronica Bar looking at its best for this. Of course, an insane amount of effort will go into the décor of the bar; there will be a ridiculous amount of lights & lasers ready to go & the bar staff will be on the top of their game. The place will look great; the place will look ready, ready for the best gig the Picnic has ever seen. Doors of the Picnic normally open at around 3pm so that gives me around 9 hours to play with, as I presume the tunes will go til midnight at least.
Let’s look at the DJ booth, a very important aspect, it will be kitted out to the absolute max. Brand new, mint condition Technic 1210s, even though they have stop producing these beauties, I still manage to get a set made especially for the gig. CDJ 2000 – the new ones that cost a fortune and beside that, a whopper rig of synths, keyboards & drum machines all hooked up to the most obnoxious set of speakers the world has ever seen, these bad boys are gonna blow people into next week. There will also be a high platform stage erected for any special guests who might pop out for an occasional appearance. I cannot wait!
Anyway, the time has come, the weekenders have entered the arena and they are all headed straight for the Heineken Electronica Bar for one of the best nights of their young lives. First act up, the suspense is killing everyone, its Muzik Box legendary DJ, Ron Hardy, featuring Holly Johnson from Frankie Goes to Hollywood on live vocal. Everyone stands, scratching their heads in confusion until the two lads kick into the tune that made them both famous – ‘Welcome to the Pleasure Dome’, this tune is the only tune to get a sweet day of music going, and house and 80s synth from there on in. An hour and a half goes by and Ron Hardy finally collapses off the stage as usual. The audience eagerly awaits the second act, its 4.30, everyone gets themselves tasty refreshing brewsky and all they hear from behind the curtain is – ‘Ski-Ba-Bop-Ba-Dop-Bop’, Oh, my God, could it be, no . . . . Yes, yes it is, IT’S THE SCATMAN! The Scatman proceeds to lash out as many nineties hits as he possibly can over his hour and a half set, while enthusiastically scatting into the mic when ever he can. The crowd at this stage have their glow sticks out and are raring to go.
It is time for slot number 3, 18:00 – 20:00, and coolly strutting up to the DJ booth with the tenacity in the world, is Paradise Garage Legend, the one, the only – Larry Levan. One massive spot light on the man himself, he lifts his first record high into the air and the crowd is going ballistic. His first track is ‘Love Temptation’ and with that who appears on the stage to accompany him on vocals but the late, great Lolita Holloway. She breaks out into a vocal so unbelievably powerful that people are moved to tears in the audience. This is just none stop for the next 2 hours, disco, disco and more disco, the only word to describe the dance floor is boppin.
By the time 8 o clock rocks around, pretty much half the festival is at the bar, the atmosphere is incredible; every person has a Chester Cat grin on their face as they wait to see who will be the penultimate act. The curtain is pulled, sitting there at the keyboards and synths is a very cool Mark Ronson who stands and grabs the mic. He shouts, ‘I’m only here for one reason and one reason only, and that is to back up my lil sista, take it away, Amy.’ And with that appearing on the stage beside him, for one last gig, Amy Winehouse. Mark is sampling old soul records on the decks and mixing them with original synths and piano. Amy is launching into some unforgettable lyrics throughout and finally finishes with a known favourite, you know which one, she then walks off with a smile and wave – love you, Amy.
The crowd at this stage can’t believe what has gone on here today, this is only day one of the Picnic and we have already had a bunch of DJs along with some extra special guests that cannot be rivalled and there is still one more act to go. Who the hell is it? It could be anybody in the history of the world. Who possibly could it be?
A load drown is heard from the speakers, the lights go completely down, the curtain goes back, no one can quite make out who it is. One bloke by the decks and another by the keys, a third bloke is on the stage with a mic. Who are these mystery men? Reveal yourselves! One of them lifts his arm as the beat of ‘Song of Life’ comes in, yes, it is Neil Barnes AKA Leftfield on the Decks but who is it accompanying him on keys and vocal, this is has got to be epic. The keys suddenly kick in and it none other than Ludwig Von Beethoven on keys, wig on and everything. The place is erupting into frenzy. Everyone is dancing their arses off and waving their arms in the air, so much so that don’t even care. But who is our guest MC, who is the guy whose gonna drop some serious rhymes and take the roof off this place. The lights hit the stage hard and fast, standing there, fully kitted out in the usual garb is MC Willy Shakespeare and he rinses into some hardcore Elizabethan flows. The Barnes and Ludwig are perfectly in sync with each other while Willy is up there waxing lyrical about love, hate and revenge – ‘A plague on both your moth***kin houses’. It ends with such an eruption of applause that it continues for about fifteen minutes, people are in shock.
In a gig of final sets, that was the final set. People walk away flabbergasted, they will speak of it in years to come, they will tell their children and their children’s children. It will be hoisted amongst the great gigs of modern times – Woodstock, Burning Man, Glastonbury, and it will most definitely, for sure, put the Heineken Electronica Bar on the Electric Picnic Map forever. Come on the Electric Picnic 2011!

That’s it, anyway, I’m very fearful that they will remember my name from last year and feel like they have to give to someone else. That will break my heart, fingers cross.