Come Pine With Me

I have found my new favourite show, I'm addicted and it seems to be on constantly, it is amazing. I seem to be watching it for hours on end every night. Come Dine With Me. Every night this week they have been showing Come Dine With Me marathons so it has been non-stop televisual feasts for the Jackhammer.

The first thing I love about the show is the food part of the show. Some of the stuff they make looks as tasty as a motherfucker, it is inspiring me to be way more inventive and adventurous in the kitchen. What did I just say? Would you stop talking you idiot. But on the flip side some of the shit they cook looks like complete bilge, basically, showing me how not to do it.

Secondly, I adore some of the head the balls that they get on this show, it's like they have scoward the length and breathe of Britain for the biggest psychos they can find. Over the last week I have seen some of the most racist, overly competitive, rude, intensive mad yokes to ever grace my television. I have, on several occasions, had to run out of the room with sheer embarrassment. I do not know how they seek them out but what ever they are doing, they really know how to attract ejjits to their show. Every show there is the most extreme tension or a massive argument. I don’t know about you but when I am a guest in someone’s house, a complete stranger, I like to think that I am the most charming and polite cunt in the world. I would be so morto to critisis some bloke after he has just slaved over a full spread for me and four others. It’s the last thing I’d be at. Even if he boiled me up a nice shite, I’d be enthusiastically licking my plate. I would be asking for seconds, Jesus, I’m so charming.

Another piece of genius about the show is what the producers do with all these mad things. They have there contestants, they are ready to go, what is the next step? I will tell you what the next step is, they put them in groups of four, the only thing is the four people chosen, their personalities couldn’t be more clashing if they tried. Contestant Number 1 would be this flamboyant gay guy who is load and in your face about how gay he is, consistently turning everything into a cock joke. He is twenty two, single and still lives with his oul’one. Contestant Number 2 is a fifty-five year old oul’fella who is married with 6 kids, he is a high conservative and he spends most of his time on the golf course, he is highly sexist, his daughter is a lesbian and he is not very happy about it. Contestant Number 3 is forty five year old lesbian; she is a vegan and can’t stop talking about the fact that she is a vegan. She likes to entertain guests with her alternative style of singing, and finally Contestant Number 4 is a 38 year old girl who is obsessed with sex, her house is decked out like a dominatrix dungeon and she is a borderline alcoholic. Now, stick all these people in the same room, tell them to cook up a storm and you have one of the best shows on television.

I need to do it; I need to bring this show to Ireland, amazing. The show was made for Irish people. I can see it now; I could take this show to the next level. First, I would stick in one of those upper middle class, suburban oul’ones, a real complainer. Next, throw in one of those aging Dublin gay guys, still lives with their Ma, 55 years old, wearing a bright green suit. Then, of course, every show would not be complete without a total scumbag, tracky bottoms tucked into the socks, baseball cap at a ninety degree angle, the fucking works, the biggest pie ball I can find. And finally, I’d stick in one of those real working girls in, all business, you know those birds you see swaning around Dublin, they never look like they stop working, ever, even when they are out, they are talking business constantly. That should do it. Any TV producers out there like the idea? Let’s do it, trust me, it is a winner. It will be hilarious.

Wait, I know, I want to play. Does anyone fancy actually playing with me? Get in contact with me and we’ll organise it. Me and three others, we’ll all spend one night in each others gafs for dinner and we should all through 20 quid into a pot and the winner takes all. I’m ready and waiting. Bring it on!