Enemy of my Plate

Here I am sitting in on a nice Tuesday night, hoping to watch a sweet ass action movie. Me and Tara watched Clockwork Orange last night so tonight we thought we would see if there was something on that wasn't going to freak Tara out so much. I stick on Saving Private Ryan which is on Film Four, thinking that Tara would fancy it. Since getting home from Berlin, she has been obsessed with World War 2. We don't make it through the first scene so we stick on Enemy of the State, starring Will Smith over on TV3. It has been absolutely ages since I've seen this beauty and a bit of Bruckheimer easy going action was exactly what the doctor ordered.

We are about half way through watching it and we realised that this story is completely ridicules and I'm not talking about all the mad surveillance stuff. That is the best part about the movie, all that shit with satellites looking down on us, amazing. No, I'm talking about the story; there is no reason for any of the madness that goes on throughout the movie. None of it.

Basically, this is the story. Some US Senator played by Jason Robards is walking his dog by a lake and he is having a conversation with John Voight who is playing one of these heads of the NSA who wants to bring in this law where there will be 24 hours surveillance on the public but Jason Robards' character doesn't want to pass it so John Voight then has him killed right there and then by one of his goons.

One of the strangest things about this whole movie, before I go any more into the mental story, is the casting, especially the casting of the NSA goons. All of them are actors you know from comedies, they are not exactly the run of the mill NSA types - Jack Black, Seth Green, Jamie Kennedy, Spike Jones, that Irish actor Ian Hart what he is doing there I will never know, Scott Caan who played one of those twins in Ocean 11, Jake Busey who is Gary Busey's son, he is a skinnier, lankier version of his oul fella and the only other movie I can think of seeing him in is Starship Troopers, which is one opf the funniest films of all time. The only one I can take, in any way, seriously is Barry Pepper who is up there as being one of the most serious actors in the history of film. In fact, I don't recall seeing that chun ever smile in a film. He always has that moany head on him.

Back to the story, anyway, they kill your man but unbeknownst to them at the time, comedy actor (another one), Jason Lee from My Name is Earl is filming birds from the other side of a lake. He films the whole thing, the whole murder. They spot him picking up the camera during the chaos of police and press when the body is found and they follow him. Now, this is the part I can’t explain. Jason Lee gets home and obviously can’t wait to checkout the birds he has filming for the last couple of weeks and the lads don't get to him in time. He sticks in the tape immidiatly as he get home, and the lads are standing outside his gaf with guns, waiting for him. This would have been the simplest way for everyone, get to Jason Lee before he sees the tape, simple. No one dies, No one's life is ruined, no one has to be running around in an ipen dressing gown showing off their abs. Get to him, get the tape and job done, you don't even have to kill him.

Okay, next, Jason Lee ends up seeing it, okay, that happenens. He now has to go, he has to die, that should be no problem, these guys are NSA. He makes a run for it but doesn't last very long. Fair play to him though, he makes a good go at it. He's just a bird watcher and he's up against a load of NSA guys, even if they are the funniest looking bunch of NSA guys in the world, they are still NSA.

Now, we have been also following Will Smiths character who is this high class lawyer who has been trying to bring down the mob, he used to go to college with Jason Lee's character, they both bump into each other while Jason Lee is leggin it from the NSA and he drops the disk into Will Smiths bag. Jason ends up getting milled out of it by a big fucking truck a few seconds later and NSA guys are all - 'Where the fuck is the tape?'

In the mean time, Will Smith gets home with the tape on him and he doesn't know at all. Now, this is the case for the next hour of the film, he doesn't have a clue whats going on. The NSA go over all this footage of Jason Lee legging it to see where he might of stashed the shit and they see him give it to Will Smith through some security camera. They see that Will doesn't notice him putting it in his bag, Savage; all they have to do now, is find out who Will Smith is, find out where he lives and asking him for the material. They do precisely that except for one thing. They don't ask him nicely. Instead of just going into the gaf and politely ask could they have a look into the bag, they just act like a bunch of rude cunts and insult the guy in his own place. He then refuses to show them and they leave as calmly as they came in.

Right, why didn't one of them just kick the shit out Will, the other find the bag which they know the tape is in and grab it, happy days, job done! I thought this was very sensitive material. No, they just stroll out. Why? Why do they do this?

The next half hour of the film is the NSA fucking with Will Smiths life. They bug the fuck out of him and his gaf and he still doesn't know about the tape which, at this stage, his son has found. He then for some reason meets up with Gabriel Byrne, why this character is in the film, I still don't know. I’m sure it's for the simple fact that Jerry Bruckheimer had Gabriel Byrne for 2 days and they thought they might write him a nice little character. He arrives and is Will Smiths mate one minute and then tries to kill him for no reason the next minute. You then never hear of that character being mentioned again for the whole movie. Who is this guy?

But the weird thing for me is this, as soon as he meets up with Gene Hackman, Gene lets him know about all the bugs on him and all of a sudden everyone wants to kill Will Smith, out of no where, they want to kill now where they didn't before. They all just start to chase him around hotels and the streets. I don't know why Will doesn't just stop, turn around and go, 'Why is everyone after me? What the fuck do all you cunts want?' and lets say all the NSA guys finally get Will, what are they going to do? Are they going to kill him? If they do that they will never get the tape back, they will be fucked then. And if they wanted to kill him, why didn't they do it earlier in the movie when they had a chance. It's a bit confusing if you ask me. What is everyone doing? What are they doing? The film is the quintessential Bruckheimer movie, all the bad guys die in ridicules shootout ending where Will Smith survives completely unscaved, there are about 20 explosions throughout the whole thing and it all ends where Will and Gene are completely in the clear. Happy ending.

Just, go, watch it again and you will realise that nobody wants to kill anyone in this movie. They just want the tape. The only 2 people that properly get killed are the Jason Robards character at the start and Lisa Bona character who they kill because they are trying to frame Will Smith for some reason. Jason Lee cycles in front of the truck when being chased so he dies accidentally and Jake Busey ends up starting that big gun fight at the end by accident. There are 3 lessons being learned here in this movie.

1. When being chased, stop running and ask whoever is chasing you, what the crack is.

2. When you want someone to give you something, just ask nicely and they will probably give it to you.

3. Stop watching Jerry Bruckheimer movies because they are fuckin awful.









You can get the rest on You Tube!