NTL - No Televisual Love

I am coming to the end of my tether with NTL at this point. I came home on Monday after a strenuous first day at work and to my surprise both my digital television and the broadband were not working, Tara had been working that day as well and we both very much needed some good old fashioned televisual viewings. I pull out the television to see if there is anything loose. Everything looks grand so I 1908 the fuck out of that shit.

'I'm sure it just needs to be reset or something.' I thought

The woman at the other end of the phone asked me the standard question about loose wires and plugging it out for 10 seconds then plugging it back in. Nothing worked so I was going to have to have someone out to the gaf and fix it. My next question -

'So when could this happen? Tomorrow?' I say to the girl

'Thursday morning' she says,

'Thursday morning?' I say

'Yes,' she says

'But its Monday,' says I

'It is'

'So I'm supposed to go the next three day without internet in my gaf? I ask her.

'I'm afraid so.'

'Why is that?' I ask her

'Well, Sir, we have a lot of customers and we don't have enough drivers.'

I then went into a massive speech about the amount of people out there looking for work and on the dole, waiting for a job to come up and there is NTL, badly in need of staff. Employ more staff, you saps. It’s not like being a cable guy is rocket science or anything .

Cut to the next day

I'm in work, watching the students bring this mother to life. It's really starting to take shape now, I know all the characters now, all the different little story lines and, yeah, it's not looking too bad.

Out of nowhere, my phone rings, I leave the rehearsal room to answer it and I am greeted at the other end by this chun'fella who works for one of these market research companies. Now, I would have normally refused to do the survey but it was on the reliability of NTL, so I couldn’t say no. To say I ripped them a new arse hole is an understatement. I gutted to them and at the end of my five minute tirade, I say -

'How was that for you?'

'Grand, Sir'

I hang up. 2 hours later I get a phone call on my lunch. I was thoroughly enjoying a steaming big plate in Govindas and it was tasty as a motherfucker. That pinir shit is the bomb. Anyway, the phone rings. I answer and it is another NTL person asking would it be okay to change my Thursday morning appointment to a Friday morning appointment. Now, I was loving my meal too much to be getting angry, I just wouldn’t be able to handle it if they wrecked my meal but I knew, one thing was for sure, Tara's reaction . . . . . ‘Hell Hath No Fury’ situation. She had this week off and with no internet in the gaf, I could think of anything more shit and no digital too. She was gonna be livid.

When I got home and told her this on the Tuesday evening, she just decided to get the fuck out of dodge, just go, see ye. Greg, Aaron, Siobhan, Paddy and Clare and Co. were all down in Siobhan's gaf in Kerry so quicker than you can say Piece of Shit Cable Company, she was down in Kerry.

Cut to Wednesday, yesterday.

I am walking to the Rathmines Auction, in hope to find that massive coffee machine needed in the show, the phone rings.

'Hello'

'Heellou, is this Jack Hollohan'

'Yes, this is Jack Olohan.'

I'm not one of these people that gets pissed off with people getting my name wrong, in fact, I couldn't give a bollix but how do people think the pronunciation of Olohan is Hollohan. I have one question, where is that H coming from. I'm not angry, I'm just puzzled. Confused

'This is Una from NTL' I hear,

'Here we fucking go.' I thought

'I believe there is something wrong with your digital television.'

'You would be believing correctly,' I answer

'Are you at home? I think I might be able to fix your digital over the phone'

'I am in work.'

'Oh, okay,' (Like as if this was the weirdest thing in the world) 'When would be best for you?'

'Half Six' I say

'No problem, I will ring you then'

'You will definitely ring me at half six then?' I say

'Yes'

'Definitely, yeah'

'Yes' she says

Right, I go and I hang up

I get home; I make myself a salad to die for. I get it into me and if I do say so myself, it was some serious gourmet shit. Quarter past six, twenty past, twenty five past, half and before I knew it, it was near seven. Once again, I 1908 the fuck owa ja. Now, I tell the girl that I eventually get after about 10 minutes of holding, that I was in contact with some technical person earlier today and that they said they could fix my digital over the phone. This girl took me through what I had to do and low and behold, it didn't work.

I then went into the fact that my girlfriend was away and that I wasn't going to be here on Friday morning and was it possible for someone to come over during the weekend or in the evening time.

'No, I'm afraid not, Sir'

'Why is that now?' I ask

'Because the drivers stop every day at half five and the only weekend free is in 2 weekends.'

'So how do you accommodate customers that work the regular 9 - 5 working week?

Silence at the other end of the phone

'Hello!'

'Hello' I hear

'Can you answer me,' I ask with the fury of a thousand suns, 'What happens when a single man, living on his own, who works in a bank or something and this shit, happens to him. Do you just have them wait until there is a free weekend or something?'

'Sir, it is not company policy to have technicians working after 6'

I then started up, I opened up on the poor unfortunate girl, I verbally pummelled her. All I can say, is that it lasted about fifteen minutes, I shouted, I think, at one stage, she was crying. Lets just say, I am not gonna have my digital back any quicker but I am getting a phone call in the next 48 hours for NTL Management with an apology for being such dickheads. That will do for me.

You know what the real problem is here though. NTL, this so called UPC company.

'Bringing Digital To Everyone', I think that is there motto. Well, not to me they aren't.

But the problem is, is that you need a land line to get SKY which I am not getting, myself and the t-bag would clock that bill up like a motherfucker, so that is out of the question. NTL is the only other option, the only other company. That’s it . . . I have an idea . . . How would you go about starting a digital television company. I'd say it is as easy as fuck. . . . . No worries, in fact.
Anyone interested?