Eating Henry

Okay, I have come to a conclusion, one that I have been trying to figure out for about two and a half years, as long as the show has been on in fact. It has been wrecking my head for so long and now I am finally at ease.

For years I have taken a massive interest in English history, the history of the monarchy. I find all that shit fascinating. Since I was a kid, I was over in London a lot visiting my folks when they were on tour, I would always be brought to stuff like the Tower of London or the Crown Jewels and you would be told all about the history of it and the stories behind all of it. And through my teens, as everyone did, you would be checking out stuff like Braveheart, Elizabeth etc and eventually an interest started to fester with me. Then myself and my oul'fella started to get stuck into these documentaries about each individual king and queen of England, going right through the history from the start and next thing I knew I was Wikapediaing the fuck out of it in my spare time. I love it.

But one king, of course, stands out as being the most interesting, the most charismatic, the most intriguing, the most eccentric. The most famous king to ever rule Britain - King Henry VIII. He is everybody’s favourite. He has been written about in literature and portrayed in theatre and film more than any other monarch in history starting with Shakespeare's final history play - The Famous History of the Life of King Henry the Eight.

There have been libraries of film and television based around him with top actors like Richard Burton, Charles Laughtan (the guy who played the hunchback in the hunchback of Notre dame), Robert Shaw (The hard cunt from Jaws), Charlton Heston, Brian Blessed, Ray Winstone and Eric Bana, all nailing his character. One of the most eccentric motherfuckers to ever walk the earth. 6 wifes, 2 of those were beheaded on his command and to divorce one of the others, he changed his religion, from Catholic to Protestant; this decision would be one of the catalysts that stirred one of the biggest hatreds between two religions in the history of the world. All because Henry wanted his hole off another bird.

So, anyway, you can understand that the show, 'The Tudors' was going to interest me. I love all that shit. An American funded series made in Ireland. In Ardmore Studios in Bray, acted by some Irelands top actors and I include Jonathan Rhys Myers in that group. Of course, I'm gonna take an interest in it. I watched the first season of it and I absolutely hated it. Okay, that is pretty obvious, seeing that it is crap but I have been raking my brains about 'why is it so successful?' How has something with such a bad script had such worldwide success? Jonathon Rhys Myers has been nominated for a Golden Globe two years in a row for this thing. What is the crack? It has Emmys coming out of its arse.

Firstly, Jonathon Rhys Myers could not be more wrong for the part if he tried. Henry VIII wasn't a 5'8 pretty boy with twinkling eyes and blow job lips. He looked something more down the lines of Lawrence Dilallio and around the time of Catharine Howard, which is the point we are at in the show at the moment, he looked more like Johnny Vegas or Peter Kay. He wasn't tasty looking; he looked like Sloth from the Goonies.

Secondly, I understand that back in those times, people were a little bit more promiscuous but this show takes the biscuit. Every second scene, if it isn't a full blown riding scene, there either talking about shagging or there is some level of heavy petting going on. The last episode, I saw 4 pairs of breasts. Now, I'm not complaining, I was on my own, I was watching the show, there had to be some reason why I was watching it. It wasn't the gripping narrative, I can tell you.

But I was discussing it in depth with my girlfriend, Tara, and we came to the conclusion. Both of those 2 points finally made sense. We figured out why it is such a success, why people are watching it in there droves. Ready for it. I am

It is soft porn. It is really, really, really soft porn. Respectable soft porn. House wife porn. It's in the same league as one of those erotic novels. It has all the characteristics of a nice and non-offensive porno. Look at it. All the birds in it are as tasty as fuck. I'm sorry but you go back to the mid-1500s, I can guarantee that you will be getting women sporting tashes, hairy pits, black teeth and you will not see one highlight in one head of hair. You’re not going to see a load of healthy looking, fresh faced beauties ready to do a little dance for you. Look at all the lads. They all look like they've just got out of a sun bed, their beards nicely trimmed and they are ripped out of it. My bollix! Its not only Jonathan that is missed cast, it’s ever bloke in the fucker. They look like they are about to step into a gap ad, everyone is so well toned and handsome. You just know they smell lovely. It's a porno. It's a porn film with a film star. I seriously would not be surprised if they all started to dawn mullets for the final season. It has nothing got to do with Henry VIII, the Henry VIII thing is only a back drop to a very upmarket, well funded, soft porno. It's the type of porno that people who hate porno can watch and get away with it and still speak out against porn.

What is the moral of this blog - Everyone Wants To Watch Porno.

And let me tell you, because I'm gonna anyway. Never was there a truer sentence spoken in the history of man. You are going to watch porno whether you like it or not because you know why? Because, the bottom line is, people like to watch other people fuckin! Now, frame that, learn it and go forth my friend and treat yourself to some nasty internet porn at once and enjoy it.