Bet of the Century

Hay Everyone, I know I have been extremely lacks in my commitment to my blog but have no fear, I will be back at the end of the week. I have been a tad snowed in there for the last couple of weeks and that snow will be thawing very soon.

What I have for you in this blog is my World Cup bet of the week, so get on this bad boy. You will get anything from 50/1 to 75/1 for this, and maybe more on sites like Betfare. The bet is

England to loose on penalties against Germany in the second round

Slovenia are gonna be no pushovers but I defo think England will take them, just about and I believe USA are gonna give Algeria nice hiding, sending the USA into the Winning position in the group. This will leave England in the runner up position. England will then have to play the winner of group D.

Group D, I believe will go something like this, it is a simple race between Germany and Ghana in a showdown for Group D. Germany will take this home, sending them into the second round against England.

Let's do it

They Are Shite

Okay, we are 3 days into the World Cup and, at this stage, we have seen 12 of the teams of the 32 competing and the one thing that I have to say after watching most of the games (I missed the South Africa - Mexico games but caught the highlights) but the one thing that has stood out to me is this, I have no doubt in my mind that Ireland could have every team that has played so far. It is so fucking annoying; we are so much better then them all, it is unreal.

The French were horse shit. They should have taken those 3 points from Uruguay, which was the game that was a sure thing in the group, they needed those points. They are gonna find it very hard to take 3 points from South Africa and Mexico and you can be sure that they will have Uruguay, I can tell you. They didn't seem to be communicating in any way throughout the game and when Henry's shot was blocked down by some Uruguayan defender's arm. Just seeing him appealing to the ref - 'Would ever shut up, you fucking sap, you. Don’t even think you are that cheeky because I will kill you, Tierry.'

Then, we were given a look at the team that are 3rd favourites to win the competition, the mighty Maradona back at the World Cup with a team that, on paper, would scare the bollix off any other team in the competition, a team so jam packed with talent that I would say there is about 500 million euro worth of players in the squad but when on the pitch, in a match, the words headless chickens are the first words that spring to mind. It’s like they have a strike force and a defence with nothing in the middle. Mascherano seems to drop back into the centre back line. Gutierrez, that left winger for Newcastle, is playing in right back and looks like he has never played there in his life. Everyone is constantly pushing up to a point that there are 5 of them in and around the penalty area, leaving the team geriatric, Juan Veron, on his own in the midfield. They could have easily lost to Nigeria who were shite. The only reason they didn't get anything out of the game was because they couldn't hit the target. They had the opportunities and if Argentina give the likes Brazil, Spain, Holland and Germany the same opportunities, they will be beaten very badly.

England were pants as well, they got that early goal and they were coasting along nicely, they conceded that unfortunate equaliser and they couldn’t get back into it. Their confidence was shot. They didn't have strength of character to get back into it. Half the team were non existent and if they think there is any hope of them lifting that trophy after that, they have another thing coming

The bottom line is and what I’m trying to get at is, Ireland, so far, would have any of these cunts. It is irritating me to the core.

Bathe Me It

The greatest sporting competition has begun, fuck sporting actually, one of the greatest events in the world has begun and I cannot wait to delve into some serious ball play over the next 48 hours. I am going to suck this up with a vuvuzela. I am going to loose a fortune. I got paid on Thursday and when I say I am going to tear my wages a new one, I mean it.

It is looking good betting wise so far. In an accumulator, I had Mexico - South Africa to draw and France - Uruguay to draw, so I have the 2 difficult ones out of the way. All I need now is Argentina to beat Nigeria, Germany to beat Australia, Italy to beat Paraguay and Cameroon to beat Japan. It isn't over by a long shot but it was those draws that were the up in the air results. Argentina, I know, will make me sweat tonight against Nigeria and that Cameroon match is freaking the shit out of me.

I also did one of these World Cup Swoops with 7 other lads, everyone sticks 20 yo yos in and you get to pick 4 teams. 2 deadly teams and 2 dodgy teams with a prize for the winner and a smaller one to the guy who has the worst team. So the whole idea is not to hit middle of the road teams. You are looking for sheer quality or absolute shittness, that is the game plan and I couldn't have hit more middle of the road if I tried. I am the white line in the middle of the road outside my gaf. I drew -

Holland
Serbia
Japan
Honduras

Okay, we all know that Holland had a great qualification with maximum points and only letting in 2 goals in the whole group but all they had to worry about in that bad boy was Norway, Scotland, Macedonia & Iceland. They would want to be winning that group handsomely, in fairness. I can see them getting to the quarters where, if they top their group and so do Brazil, they will meet and when that happens, let me tell you, they will be sucking on bong on the banks of a canal in Amsterdam before they know it.

Serbia, yeah, they were the team who topped the group with France in it but they don't stand a chance. They have a bitch of a group with Germany, who I think are dark horses in the competition. Nobody is looking at them, every player in that squad is playing in the Bundesliga. They will be a very organised and hard to beat. You also have Ghana, an African nation, they are missing Essien, yeah, but as we saw last night, the African teams are so up for it and as for the Soccaroos, well, they proved to be no push overs in 2006.

So that top prize is not looking too good for Jack and when you look at the other end of the spectrum, it is looking as grim. My teams are too good.

Japan are in a tough group but not tough enough, they will come last to Holland, Denmark & Cameroon but I need a few whippings to happen. It is the same with Honduras. Yes, Spain will probably kick 3 colours of shit out of them but chances are they will play a weakened team and I can see them maybe getting a draw or something off the excitement that is Chile or Switzerland. I had my eye on North Korea or New Zealand, that will be fun to watch. I don’t want to be patronizing but North Korea, pooooor North Korea. Ah well, come on the accumulator.

I also did this thing with Boyles Sport where if you make a fiver bet, you get to enter into this free competition where you have to guess how the World Cup is going to transpire, like, you have to pick the winner of each group, the runner up of each group, second round winners, quarters, semis, final, and winner. You nail it; you get a million squid. . . . . I did 2 of them and I'm taking it fucking home. You are currently reading the words of a millionaire, get in out of that, I'm already spending the money.

NTL - No Televisual Love

I am coming to the end of my tether with NTL at this point. I came home on Monday after a strenuous first day at work and to my surprise both my digital television and the broadband were not working, Tara had been working that day as well and we both very much needed some good old fashioned televisual viewings. I pull out the television to see if there is anything loose. Everything looks grand so I 1908 the fuck out of that shit.

'I'm sure it just needs to be reset or something.' I thought

The woman at the other end of the phone asked me the standard question about loose wires and plugging it out for 10 seconds then plugging it back in. Nothing worked so I was going to have to have someone out to the gaf and fix it. My next question -

'So when could this happen? Tomorrow?' I say to the girl

'Thursday morning' she says,

'Thursday morning?' I say

'Yes,' she says

'But its Monday,' says I

'It is'

'So I'm supposed to go the next three day without internet in my gaf? I ask her.

'I'm afraid so.'

'Why is that?' I ask her

'Well, Sir, we have a lot of customers and we don't have enough drivers.'

I then went into a massive speech about the amount of people out there looking for work and on the dole, waiting for a job to come up and there is NTL, badly in need of staff. Employ more staff, you saps. It’s not like being a cable guy is rocket science or anything .

Cut to the next day

I'm in work, watching the students bring this mother to life. It's really starting to take shape now, I know all the characters now, all the different little story lines and, yeah, it's not looking too bad.

Out of nowhere, my phone rings, I leave the rehearsal room to answer it and I am greeted at the other end by this chun'fella who works for one of these market research companies. Now, I would have normally refused to do the survey but it was on the reliability of NTL, so I couldn’t say no. To say I ripped them a new arse hole is an understatement. I gutted to them and at the end of my five minute tirade, I say -

'How was that for you?'

'Grand, Sir'

I hang up. 2 hours later I get a phone call on my lunch. I was thoroughly enjoying a steaming big plate in Govindas and it was tasty as a motherfucker. That pinir shit is the bomb. Anyway, the phone rings. I answer and it is another NTL person asking would it be okay to change my Thursday morning appointment to a Friday morning appointment. Now, I was loving my meal too much to be getting angry, I just wouldn’t be able to handle it if they wrecked my meal but I knew, one thing was for sure, Tara's reaction . . . . . ‘Hell Hath No Fury’ situation. She had this week off and with no internet in the gaf, I could think of anything more shit and no digital too. She was gonna be livid.

When I got home and told her this on the Tuesday evening, she just decided to get the fuck out of dodge, just go, see ye. Greg, Aaron, Siobhan, Paddy and Clare and Co. were all down in Siobhan's gaf in Kerry so quicker than you can say Piece of Shit Cable Company, she was down in Kerry.

Cut to Wednesday, yesterday.

I am walking to the Rathmines Auction, in hope to find that massive coffee machine needed in the show, the phone rings.

'Hello'

'Heellou, is this Jack Hollohan'

'Yes, this is Jack Olohan.'

I'm not one of these people that gets pissed off with people getting my name wrong, in fact, I couldn't give a bollix but how do people think the pronunciation of Olohan is Hollohan. I have one question, where is that H coming from. I'm not angry, I'm just puzzled. Confused

'This is Una from NTL' I hear,

'Here we fucking go.' I thought

'I believe there is something wrong with your digital television.'

'You would be believing correctly,' I answer

'Are you at home? I think I might be able to fix your digital over the phone'

'I am in work.'

'Oh, okay,' (Like as if this was the weirdest thing in the world) 'When would be best for you?'

'Half Six' I say

'No problem, I will ring you then'

'You will definitely ring me at half six then?' I say

'Yes'

'Definitely, yeah'

'Yes' she says

Right, I go and I hang up

I get home; I make myself a salad to die for. I get it into me and if I do say so myself, it was some serious gourmet shit. Quarter past six, twenty past, twenty five past, half and before I knew it, it was near seven. Once again, I 1908 the fuck owa ja. Now, I tell the girl that I eventually get after about 10 minutes of holding, that I was in contact with some technical person earlier today and that they said they could fix my digital over the phone. This girl took me through what I had to do and low and behold, it didn't work.

I then went into the fact that my girlfriend was away and that I wasn't going to be here on Friday morning and was it possible for someone to come over during the weekend or in the evening time.

'No, I'm afraid not, Sir'

'Why is that now?' I ask

'Because the drivers stop every day at half five and the only weekend free is in 2 weekends.'

'So how do you accommodate customers that work the regular 9 - 5 working week?

Silence at the other end of the phone

'Hello!'

'Hello' I hear

'Can you answer me,' I ask with the fury of a thousand suns, 'What happens when a single man, living on his own, who works in a bank or something and this shit, happens to him. Do you just have them wait until there is a free weekend or something?'

'Sir, it is not company policy to have technicians working after 6'

I then started up, I opened up on the poor unfortunate girl, I verbally pummelled her. All I can say, is that it lasted about fifteen minutes, I shouted, I think, at one stage, she was crying. Lets just say, I am not gonna have my digital back any quicker but I am getting a phone call in the next 48 hours for NTL Management with an apology for being such dickheads. That will do for me.

You know what the real problem is here though. NTL, this so called UPC company.

'Bringing Digital To Everyone', I think that is there motto. Well, not to me they aren't.

But the problem is, is that you need a land line to get SKY which I am not getting, myself and the t-bag would clock that bill up like a motherfucker, so that is out of the question. NTL is the only other option, the only other company. That’s it . . . I have an idea . . . How would you go about starting a digital television company. I'd say it is as easy as fuck. . . . . No worries, in fact.
Anyone interested?

Treble Morto For Me

Treble Mortification City, USA for me, I just went up to the Gaiety School there to get my contract signed and I was greeted by a gaggle of Gaiety production gals celebrating Dublin's Fish n Chip Day in true style, well, one of them was delving into what only can be described as a vile looking battered burger, which doesn't really count as celebrating anything, does it, your just eating a battered burger, aren't you, no celebration there what so ever.

Anyways, immediately they started quoting the last 2 blogs I put up.

'Jesus,' I thought, 'What did I say in them?'

I was quickly scanning my brain to recap what exactly I went into, what I discussed coz as you know I can be incriminatingly honest in these things. I looked over there faces to see even the slightest look hostility . . . . . . they all seemed to be a positive enough.

'Phuh,' I thought, I knew this day was going to come eventually. Someone was going to read something that I wrote and that I had no idea if it was a good thing or a bad.

One of them was the manager of the Gaiety School and she told me, she was going to leave a comment simple reading -

'Handy Number? - You're Fired!'

Which pretty much would have made me do a motion in my kacks. I would have believed it. She should have done it. It would have scared the shit out of me.

Anyways, I told them I would try and keep as many daily blogs as I could throughout the five weeks and I that I would try and keep the language to a minimum . . . . . . . . I wonder how that’s gonna work. Anyone who read these things, which is probably very few, knows that there is nothing I love more than to use a good old impact word like c*** and m**********r. It is going to be f***ing hard.

Well, I better head back up to the room and see if the dance class is over.

Let Me Out Or I'll Shoot My Way Out

Day 2 of the new job. I really had fuck all to do today but one thing I had to do, was to see if it was possible to get the roof garden open at the top of the building, our rehearsal space is on the fourth floor and the canteen is on the first so it would just be easier if everyone was able to eat their lunch out on the roof garden and with this weather, it would be perfect.

I stroll down to the front door man and ask, politely

‘Excuse me, my good man, but would it be possible for my colleagues and myself to consume our lunches upon your exquisite roof garden.’

He just stares at me, smiles and just starts shaking his head. No words, no reason, just a bitter little shit behind a desk, shaking his head, going out of his way to be a cunt.

‘Okay,’ I say ‘Who can I speak to about this?’

He shrugs his shoulders like he wasn’t even listening to me. I stare back at him for a
couple of seconds with a look of sheer disbelief. I go up to the admin offices up on the second floor. I knock in.

‘Hi, I am working in Workshop 5 on the 4th floor. I was wondering would it be possible if we were able to use the balcony at lunch’

The girl behind a desk looks at me.

‘No,’ she says, ‘health and safety.’

‘I’m a qualified health and safety officer,’ I say to your one, which I am not. I know First Aid but that is about it.

‘Sorry,’ we can’t.’

I leave and head back up to my rehearsal room and let the room know of the reasons why grown adults can’t go out on a standard, run of the mill roof terrace.

Then it dawns on me –

‘Why the fuck did they have a balcony?’

All the people in the building, bar the 2 girls in the admin department and that sound cunt on the door, are exactly like me and I’m pretty sure that this is the case throughout the week. Why the fuck do you have the balcony, lads? Why the fuck do you have it? You have it to wined me up, aren’t you? And winding me you are.

Jack's First Day At Work

First day back on the job. First day since 3rd February. Fucking hell, that was a long time to be sitting on my hole. I know I needed a chill out after panto but that was ridiculous. To tell you the truth, I couldn’t wait for this day to arrive for the last while. I was getting bored to tears in the gaf, waking up every morning, no where I had to be, no list of shit to do, no horrible deadline, nothing. Just doing everything at my own pace without a care in the world. You would of thought that I might of got up to something a little bit constructive with my time. Well, that was the plan but if I think about it, I did fuck all. This blog was about it and let’s face it; I haven’t exactly been giving that 100%.

So here we go, the Gaiety School of Acting Grad Show again. Let’s do it. I am gonna get stuck into this. This is going to be the best performance by a stage manager the world has ever seen. I am going to own this motherfucker. I’m actually, for the first time in ages, gonna take a job seriously. Wow, I really am focused, amn’t I. Holy shit! My head is so clear. I’m ready to tear this job a new arsehole.

I was kind of shitting myself this morning. Ye know, the way you are before a new job, you might only know one or two heads, sometimes you might know nobody. I know the director and the production team vaguely, they’re all cool but I don’t know any of the students and those are the people I’m gonna be working closest with. So first impressions and all that. I don’t know what it is, I always have a thing about first impressions, they are massive, especially when you are being introduced to 21 strangers at the same time. Seriously, it’s like that, that is how I’m introduced to them. I sometimes think that it might be a good idea to crack a joke or something but, in the end, I come to my senses and realise that that would be the worst idea in the world.

I stroll in to meet everyone and it is grand.

We sit around for the reading of the new play and it is very hard to focus. The dialogue is very naturalistic and quick, there are 17 characters, and each scene is only about a page long. I’m trying to differentiate each character from the next. I am drifting in and out of concentration which is understandable. I have fuck all to be doing except timing the fucker. I will let the director bring it to life in front of me. I’m sure I’ll get it when they’re blocking it.

At lunch, we have a productions meeting and this is where I kick into gear and, by the end of it, the only thing I realise is that this is going to be one of the handiest numbers of my life. There are fuck all props, the set is minimal. . Oh, and if anyone knows where I could get one of those large coffee machines that they have in cafes, the big fuckers, it would make my life even more chilled out. I haven’t a clue where to even start with that shit but once I get that, it’s plain sailing. Gonna check out the ould auction up in Rathmines this Thursday for one, I’ve seen one or two in there from time to time.

After the meeting myself and the production manager, Tom, laughed about how easy our job is going to be. Anyway, my job, for the next couple of days, is to chill in the rehearsal room and make sure breaks are taken when they are supposed to and write a report of the day to everyone on the production team.

On other gigs, I can’t tell you some of the shit you have to do. You’re in charge of the tea and milk; make sure the burka boiler is filled, looking after screaming Billy Barry Kids, filling up dancer’s water bottles and making stupid props. On this gig, you take it at your own pace. You don’t have some boss giving you shit for no reason. Once you have your shit together, you get no hassle off anyone.

Great to be back at work and, do you know what else is savage, the rehearsal room is just off Talbot Street, right beside that place that sells Mega Drive games, I am gonna go to town in there on pay day.

My Thought Exactly

My mate, Shocko, is one of these people who knows all the savage stuff on You Tube, every time I’m doing the You Tube thing with him, it is just none stop shit you’ve never seen before and every time you bring a clip to the table, he has either seen it about twenty times or he was the guy who showed you in the first place. The reason I bring this up is, is because Shocko showed me something, the other night, that I thought was the coolest thing I have ever seen, it was something that I have wanted to express for so long about so many people out there and I was hearing my thoughts exactly through the mouth of this writer, Harlan Ellison. Check this clip out, myself and this guy agree on one thing, that is for sure.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mj5IV23g-fE

Access My Arsehole

In the world of the premier league, we have been hearing about one thing for the last 24 hours. No, it's not Ben Foster's move from Man. Utd, it is the fact Cesc Fabregas has asked Arsene Wenger for a transfer from Arsenal to Barcelona.

Now, we all knew that this was going to happen eventually, Barcelona was Fabregas' original club, Barcelona is his home town and he has openly spoke about how he will one day play for Barca at some stage in his career. It was going to happen, it's just nobody thought it would be as soon as it was and as I glance over the Barcalona squad, I now realised what an amazing signing he will be for them. He will make that midfield a force to be reckoned with.

We all know the famous 4-3-3 formation of Barcelona, the centre midfield taking the defensive role, normally, taken by Busquets with Seydou Keita covering on the bench and the 2 other wider midfielders going more forward, taking on this dual attacking midfielder role which has been filled by Xavi and Iniesta for the last 2 seasons and, if you look at the squad, there is not much cover for either of these players, that seriously showed against Inter in my opinion with Iniesta out. Yaya Toure who is a natural defensive player or someone like Messi dropping back from a forward position, they need cover. Now, I am not for a second saying that Fabragas would be just cover for Xavi and Iniesta but if you rotate the three players and to always have that option on the bench. Amazing! They will be quality.

On to Arsene Wenger. This could not be more of a nightmare for the Frenchman. He has basically built that team around the cunt. Not only does he have to think big in the goalkeeper and defensive department this summer but he, now, has a leading playmaker to think about as well and a fucking captain. It is not looking good at all. But, you know what, there is a way out if this and it is very simple. What every Arsenal fan I know has been saying for the last 2 seasons - 'Wenger, to open your fuckin cheque book,' and you know what, he hasn't got much choice now. What a start to the summer. I can't wait to see who get buys.

Maybe Van Der Vaart from Real Madrid, he only played 20 games and he might be a bit pissed off, see how he gets on in the World Cup for Holland or Stephen Ireland, we all know how good he can be and he is gagging to move. Arteta would be also a sweet signing or, the coming of age, Charles N'Zogbia who basically ran the Wigan team out of relegation this season.

Should be interesting

I Knew About All This

Here is another thing that has been picking away at my brain for the last while, well, since it started showing on television. It's an ad campaign that stars Benico Del Toro, this Angelina Jolie look a like and it's for the new Magnum Gold ice cream.

Now, I know where this idea came from, I have it all broken down in my head exactly how that whole thing started. So get ready because I am going to show exactly how basic the whole marketing business is. This is what happened.

Magnum are about to launch their new ice cream bar called Magnum Gold and with that they want to create this huge brand awareness thing around the whole thing so to do that they have decided to throw a couple of million at the campaign. We want an amazing ad that kind of looks like an action film and we want with actual film star in it too. We want the script to be vaguely similar to 1 or 2 very successful block busters over the last couple of years and in doing that people will go out in their droves and get stuck into some Magnums.

Do you want to know the 2 words that drifted through my head as I watched that ad for the first time, you will probably scratch your head in confusion when I utter them to you. But these 2 words, I would say, were used quite a bit in the early development of this ad. I can see the 2 girls that were in charge, they must have been in love with these 2 words and those 2 words are

'Brad Pitt'

'Brad Pitt?' I hear you say.

'Brad Pitt,' I say,

When those 2 dolly birds left that office where they were told about this huge campaign and that they were to be the one to put into fruition. They sat down after meeting with their 'creative' team and they bashed out a really dodgy mixture of Mr. & Mrs. Smith and Oceans 11. Instead of the couple being assassins they are bank robbers and instead of them being a group of 11 bank robbers, they are a married couple. What do those 2 films have in common? Brad Pitt.

Now, they obviously can't afford Brad Pitt but we need someone who is a regular in films, not too expensive and has weird kind of a Brad Pitty smell off him. I love Benico, I think he is a fucking amazing actor but what I am asking here is -

'Why Benico?'

Why, out of all of Hollywood, did you pick Benico Del Toro? Benico Del Toro has never been in a blockbuster in his life. His biggest film to date, I would say, has been Sin City or Wolfman or maybe, the film he won his Oscar for, Traffic. Other than he has made really small, independent films like Usual Suspect or Way of the Gun or 21 Grams or those Che Guevara movies. That’s what has been bugging me from the very start and then I remembered, a few years ago I listened to the directors commentary of Snatch with Guy Richie and Matthew Vaughan talking over the film, telling stories about shit that happened on set and I remember whenever Benico came on screen, they both called him Brad, messing. I remember wondering why they were calling him Brad until it got to the point where Brad Pitt came on screen and they started calling him Benny, obviously, short for Benico. Later they basically explain that on set, people were constantly mixing the two of them up.

Now, either one of the girls worked on snatch or they were in the same situation as me, they listen to the audio director commentary and realised that people might confuse Benico with Brad and they will get him nice and cheap. I would say that this gig was the best paid gig Benico has ever had, as I said everything he has ever made has been very independant.

Okay, we have our Oscar winning movie star that looks vaguely like Brad Pitt, we have our script that is a mesh of Ocean 11 and Mr. & Mrs. Smith, we have to get a really tasty Angelina Jolie look-a-like and we are fucking laughing. No worries, I'm sure there are plenty out there.

Now there shooting of the ad, they even take things from the films. Remember when you first met Don Cheadle's character in Oceans 11. He is using this elaborate explosive devise where it is a series of explosions that blow around the safe door. They do the exact thing in the ad, they also use that green computer blue print affect that they use quite regularly in both films.

Anyway if you were like me and were wondering what is the crack with that ad is, well, there you go. Anyway, my point is, actually, I don't know what my point is . . . . . . . shit! I thought I had a point. . . . . . . . . . . . No, it's gone from me. Anyway, see ya!