All You Can Feet

One of the things that has started to excite me about Dublin is the fact that we have started to come around to the idea of 'All You Can Eat' options in restaurants. As I stroll the streets of Dublin, day in, day out, I am noticing more and more of them springing up. Finally, restaurateurs are coming around to my kind of thinking. Sadly, the only problem is they don't no how to fucking do it. The food is always horse shit which brings me to my latest restaurant review, the Tasty Grill in Portobello.

Now, I know what you’re thinking before you have even thought it, 'What do you expect from the Tasty Grill, Jack, did you really think it was going to be quality food?' and I say to you 'Yes, I do.' If someone opens a place that serves food, I expect that food to be at even an adequate standard. If it's not going to be don't open up, or I will disembowel you with a very big sword.

Myself and my mate, Darren, were walking up through Rathmines in search of an establishment in which to dine, we had worked up a hunger like you couldn't believe and we felt it was a perfect time to address this starvation. Where to go? This is when I remember noticing a sandwich board out side one of the places in Portobello on my way home from town the day previous. All You Can Eat, I thought to myself, I am going to put these chunfellas out of business. I'm going to Mexico with this shit, get ready lads, Jack is here, keep the food coming.

Okay, we enter the place which looks like a standard kebab shop and one thing that stood out for me was the lack of a buffet set up which is what I thought the whole 'All You Can Eat' thing was about, self service kind of thing, ye know. No, it was some dude behind a counter that looked more confused than I did when I asked about the buffet and the fact that there wasn't one there for us to gorge off. He explained to myself and a very sceptical, Darren that the ' All You Could Eat' included all the burgers on the menu, chips and donor kebabs, chicken kebabs and some kind of chicken curry that looked not to bad to the eye.

'Okay, bro, hit me up with that Curry with some rice and I'll grab some chips aswell.'

'I'll get the same.' says Darren

We take our curries, he sticks on the chips.

We sit in the empty place and the guy obviously realises that he has customers and whips on some tunes to entertain us while we eat. Greatest Hit of Arab Trad Music. Thanks dude.

We delve into our curries and we quickly find out that the chicken in the curry was still on the bone, not only that but each chunk was about eighty percent bone. There was no chicken on the bad boys and the rice was as if it had been boiling for about a year. The sauce was okay but I was sure it was probably going to be responsible for the nice heart attack that will hit me in about 30 years.

Over come the chips which were the high point of the meal, chips ala ketchup ala mayo, a revolutionary new way to take chips. Anyway we ate what we could of the lot so it was time to try something else.

'Two Donors, please, dude.'

We sit and await our donors with eager anticipation and to say it reached our expectations was an understatement, one plate arrived over with strips of donor meat on it, doused it some donor sauce. No peta bread, No salad. Darren starts laughing and goes to your man -

'Eh, whats this?'

'What?' says your man

'Did we not ask for a donor kebab each?'

'This is donor'

'You wanna stick them into 2 peta breads, bro, with a bit salad too?'

'Okay'

Another ten minutes pass and back over with the donors in 2 burnt petas and we reluctantly eat what we can and say to each other 'Lets get the fuck out of here.' We pay our €7.50 each reluctantly and walk out in the most disgruntled fashion, worried about the fact that we were both probably pregnant after that. It was then when I vowed to take these guys down in the only way I knew how. Blog the fucking shit out of them. Please if your reading this don't go to the Tasty Grill in Portobello, you will regret it, I swear, if you don't want it to burn every time you take a piss, please, consider some where else.