Fuckin Hell!

Okay, I am fucking shitting myself. Last night as I was going to bed, I lay down, coughed and got this weird taste in my mouth. I spat out onto my hand and there, in my saliva, my worst fucking nightmare, blood. 'Fucking hell,' I thought. I ran to the bathroom and spat about three or four more time and it was the same deal to a point that I was hacking up and there was nothing, it was back to normal. Fucking hell, I thought, I am fucking shitting myself, what the fuck, blood in the saliva, anything in the saliva but that, any other colour but red.

I walked back into Tara nearly fucking crying. This is my worst fucking nightmare. I get these twinges and aches in my chest from time to time for ages. Fucking hell, I really hope its nothing. Tara seems to think it’s nothing but that I'm to get straight up first thing in the morning and get it checked the fuck out. I, of course, being the ridicules cunt that I am, I grabbed my laptop and started looking up all sorts of mad shit. I type into google 'coughing up blood'. I went onto Wikapedia, which I believe to be a reliable source and the 2 words 'lung' and 'cancer' were jumping off the screen. I have really got to sort myself out. I have really got to cut this smoking shit out. I will literally be dead before I'm forty if I keep smoking. That is a fucking fact. End of story.

Tara is trying to calm me down; I swear to god, I'm nearly in fucking tears in the bed. She flicks on the latest Mark Kermode Podcast that I always listen to, in hope that it will calm me down, and hopefully send me to sleep. Not fucking lightly. Holy Shit, could you imagine if I have something, that would be the fucking worst fucking shit in the world.

I sometimes imagine getting stuff like that, and, you know, what it would be like. I think about how complicated the body is and how has nothing ever gone wrong with me. I have had it so easy, and I sometime think that it’s that sort of negative thinking that brings shit like this on.

Back in November, during the rehearsals of panto, I was as busy as fuck one morning, I just had Richie Hayes, this actor in the show, riding on top of me back as I walked into the scene (when I was playing the back of the cow), he was bouncing and bouncing on my back and later on that day, my back and chest area where he was sitting was killing me, I spat I little bit of blood and I did nothing about it. I thought it might of been something to do with Richie, I also thought it might of been a nose bleed or maybe it was me just ignoring it. . . . . yeah . . . . bullshiting myself. But the funny thing was, I got Richie to stop it and it never happened again, that was 4 months ago, well, 3 months, see there I go again, saying 4 month when it is blatantly 3 months.

I have to get my fucking shit together; it’s as simple as that. I have got to start looking after myself, I need a full physical. I need to go into a doctor and for him to go stop doing this and start doing this. I need to know right now if there is something wrong with me. I NEED TO GET MY SHIT TOGETHER.

Step 1 - I need to stop smoking, everyone has been saying it to me for years, Jack, your lungs are weak, you can't stop coughing, why are you smoking? It says it on the packet, THESE THINGS FUCKING KILL YOU!

Step 2 - I have to start eat right, okay I'm not as bad as some but I don't eat enough fruit, so I'm gonna have to start kicking into gear there as well

Step 3 - I don't get any exercise, full stop. I just don't, I kid myself when I say, ‘Well, you walk everywhere, Jack, don't worry about it.’ Man, I couldn't run for the bus right now. I need not only to get some exercise, I need to get fit.

Step 4 - Sessioning, I've just got to take it easy in that department.

Anyway, I woke up this morning at 8.30 and got dressed, Tara told me to ring my Ma. I get the orders to come straight home and we are going to Tim, our family GP, at 2 o clock. I am fucking shitting myself. It's now ten to eleven, and I'm fucking shitting myself. I will let everyone who is reading know what the crack is later, fucking hell, I am fucking shitting it.